Keep Holding On
by Jinx1983
Summary: Co-Authored with my spanktastic friend, Isabella Monroe.  - Anders told Lady Hawke that he laid awake for 3 years thinking about her. Those would be some very interesting thoughts and fantasies...a series of one shots would do those years some justice.
1. Chapter 1

_**Surprise! Yes it's true. The awesometasic Isabella Monroe and I are writing together. So thank you for joining us in this little adventure and don't forget to tip you bar wenches while you read what we wrote for you. ;-)**_

_***Seeing as we are not ones to rewrite the game word for word, DA2 will just be part of the background in this story, however there will be one or two exceptions. Isabella and I both thought that it was important to start the story off this way to establish where Anders' adventure began. It is also an AU. So buckle your seat-belts and prepare for a wild ride.**_

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><p><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

"Before it's too late, this could all disappear

Before the doors close, and it comes to an end

With you by my side I will fight and defend

I'll fight and defend, yeah, yeah

Keep holding on

'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Just stay strong

'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you

There's nothing you could say, nothing you could do

There's no other way when it comes to the truth

So keep holding on

'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe

Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny

Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly"

Avril Lavigne - Keep holding on

Everything in life happened for a reason. Although the path that led him here hadn't been a simple one, he would continue to do all he could, not only to help his friend but to help all the mages of Kirkwall in their plight. That was his goal, his and Justice's.

Blue energy glowed from his hands as he spread his senses to reach inside the child, trying to feel the source of the infection, to chase down and destroy every life-ending threat floating through his body, no matter how invisible it was to anyone else. Nothing seemed to help, and he closed his eyes, willing more energy through his hands, it was almost too much, and in that moment, when he was certain he was going to kill them both, he sensed the source of the infection - an appendix that was about to burst. Anders guided the healing magic to the damaged organ and within minutes the boy jerked upright on the table, bright eyed, fever gone, into the waiting arms of his mother.

Anders turned away from the boy, his back hunched over and he pinched the bridge of his nose to at least try and ease the headache that had formed. The sickness the boy had suffered from was strong and took a lot of magic and energy to heal him. It was a good thing that Anders had grown stronger over the past year.

An unknown magical presence in the clinic triggered a feeling of foreboding and mistrust, as a small group advanced further into the clinic. Justice made him aware of the potential danger facing him, and Anders felt both rage and curiosity take hold for a split second before he pushed it back down_. _Reaching for his staff he twirled around, all exhaustion forgotten as he fell into a battle stance and stared down the new arrivals.

It was a strange group of people that stood before him. A dwarf, dressed like a human rogue with an ornate crossbow over his shoulder was standing next to a tall woman with red hair. She wore the armour of the city guard, a sword and shield strapped to her back and if Anders wasn't mistaken, she was Ferelden. Behind them stood a man with a huge greatsword and more muscle than was healthy for a human being, yet, none of these three triggered his defenses, none of them were the true threat. It was the young woman in front of them that caught his attention; she was small and thin with brown hair falling in curls past her shoulders, green eyes and a wary smile. Like him, she was only armed with a staff, dressed in simple mage robes that would do little or nothing to protect against arrows or blades.

He faced the four people that had entered his clinic, his hand clutching his staff, ready to cast a spell if he needed to.

"I have made this place a sanctum of healing and salvation!" he called, with a hint of anger in his voice. "Why do you threaten it?"

"I'm just here to talk," the female mage said. From the way she carried herself and stood in front of the others, he had the feeling she was the leader of the small group. She raised her hands in defense, "I'm going to put my staff on the floor to put your mind at ease," she told him as she started to crouch slowly. He studied the woman in front of him. As a man he saw her as pretty, yet delicate, but when she smiled it was the most dazzling smile he had ever seen, and completely disarmed both man and spirit momentarily.

She made eye contact with him and held it as she bent her knees and put her staff on the floor.

The dwarf beside her spread his hands out to show he was unarmed and that his crossbow would remain strapped where it was. "We're interested in getting into the deep roads. Rumor has it you were a Warden once," the dwarf studied him casually, "Do you know a way?"

Anders lowered his hand but kept a firm grip on his staff. "Did the Wardens send you to bring me back? I'm not going! Those bastards made me get rid of my cat!" He stated as he looked straight into the mage's eyes, "Poor Ser Pounce-a-lot, he hated the deep roads," he continued.

"Your joking? You had a cat... named Ser Pounce-a-lot... in the deep roads?" She asked in disbelief.

"He was a gift!" Anders said in his defense, "A noble beast, he almost got ripped in half by a Genlock once. He swatted the bugger on the nose, drew blood too!" A smile had appeared on his face as he spoke of his former pet. "The blighted Wardens said he 'made me too soft' so I gave him to a friend in Amaranthine."

"I'm very sorry to hear that. It seems rather cruel to make a man get rid of his pet," the mage said sympathetically.

Both Anders and Justice relaxed slightly. "Ser Pounce-a-lot is better off. He would risk being made a meal if he had come to Darktown with me. So tell me, why have you disturbed the peace that I have created here."

"I am sorry about that. It was not my intention. I come here only seeking information. I'm part of an expedition into the deep roads. Any information you have could save people's lives," she said, her tone persuasive.

"I will die a happy man if I never think about the blighted deep roads again," Anders said harshly. "You can't imagine what I've come through to get here, I'm not interested…"

"I'm not asking you to go into the deep roads with me," she interrupted. "I'm just asking for your help to get into them. If we go into this with as much information as possible, it could give us an advantage and save lives."

Anders thought over what she had just said and how they both might be able to help each other. "Although…" he started. "What if we could help each other... a favor for a favor, does that sound like a fair deal?" he studied her face.

"Help my expedition reach the Deep Roads, and I'll do whatever you need." she stated without hesitation.

Anders was shocked that she agreed so readily, didn't even want to know his demands. She really must be desperate. Part of him was eager to help her while the rest was very leery.

"You don't ask for my terms? What if I were asking for the Knight-Commander's head on a spike?" Anders asked skeptically.

She raised an eyebrow and looked at him curiously for a few seconds before asking. "Is that what you ask?"

Anders couldn't help but smile at her and she returned the smile. "I have a Warden map that will grant you access to the deep roads, but there's a price." She nodded. Anders turned his head to look away before he continued. "I came to Kirkwall to aid a friend, a mage, a prisoner in the wretched Gallows. The Templars learned of my plans to free him." Anders looked up at her with desperation in his eyes. "Please, help me bring him safely past them, and you shall have your maps."

"I would gladly help a fellow mage. Please, tell me about your friend," she asked.

His heart leapt at her willingness to help her mage brothers and sisters and even Justice gave his approval. As he began to tell her about his friend, his eyes lit up a little and a smile threatened his lips. "His name is Karl Thekla. He was sent from Ferelden when Kirkwall's Circle required new talent. His last letter said the Knight-Commander was turning the Circle into a prison. Mages are locked in their cells, refused appearances at court, made Tranquil for the slightest crimes." He held her gaze, judging her reaction to what he was saying. "I told him I would come."

"Are these accusations true?" she asked.

"Ask any mage in Kirkwall. Over a dozen were made Tranquil just this year. The more people you ask, the worse the rumors become," Anders said confidently. He knew what he was talking about from his experiences in the Circle. Mages were always being treated unfairly, as if they needed to ask permission to just exist. He had escaped the Circle in Ferelden because of those injustices and he couldn't bear to face it any longer. Templars around every corner, watching every move that was made, and sometimes overstepping the line when it came to their responsibilities.

"I am new to Kirkwall and I have to keep a low profile, but if what you say is true then this injustice must be addressed," the young mage said boldly.

Anders had to bite the inside of his lip to keep a huge grin from spreading across his face. Here was a fellow mage that was just as outraged as he was about the trials their brothers and sisters were being forced to endure. Her words had made him so happy he wanted to kiss her. Justice immediately told him to compose himself, and to act appropriately in the presence of a lady.

"What do the templars know of your plans?" she asked as she looked back at him.

"I don't know, but I am very concerned. I had been exchanging notes with Karl through a maid servant in the Gallows. Then suddenly the letters just stopped coming." Anders confessed as a worried frown spread across his face.

"I believe that you have reason to be concerned and I want to help you, but do you really want to make your friend an apostate?" She asked looking at him curiously.

"That's such a weighted term." Anders sighed and shook his head before continuing. "Yes, Andraste said magic should serve man, not rule him. But I've yet to find a mage who wants to rule anything. It doesn't go against the will of the Maker for mages to live as free as all other men."

She smiled that dazzling smile of hers and he felt his heart leap again as she spoke.

"Forcing mages into servitude is not the way to prevent the rise of another Imperium." She replied thoughtfully, with a hint of indignation in her voice.

Anders felt as if he had perhaps heard her wrong, or maybe he didn't. "That's not usually the response I get. Perhaps we will work together better than I expected," he said hopefully.

"How do you plan to break him out of the Gallows?" she continued to question as if she was formulating a plan in her own mind and due to years of mistrust, Anders couldn't help but wonder if she was really planning on helping him or if she was just trying to trap him somehow.

"I'm hoping it won't come to that. I sent Karl a message to meet me in the Chantry tonight. Maker willing he'll be there, alone. But if there are templars with him, I swear, I'll free him from them. Whatever the cost." Anders replied.

"I would help any mage in such circumstances, map or no." She looked at each of her companions as if wondering if any of them would protest her decision. No one raised a complaint, which spoke volumes about her as a leader.

"I welcome your aid," He looked down at the floor once again. "If you meant what you have said, then join me there, and we'll ensure that no matter who is with him, we all walk away free, Maker willing,"

"I will meet you there," She assured him. "Seeing as we are now working together, you can call me Hawke or Tisha." She said as an impish smile played on her lips.

"I am Anders," he replied as he smiled back at her and held his hand out for her to shake. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Tisha,"

Moments later she and her companions left, but as she did she looked back and smiled at him. He was impressed with her, a confident apostate who didn't let others control her options. He found her attractive, but had to keep her at arms length... that part of his life was over. Now it was just about him, Justice, and their mission to free the oppressed mages.

Anders was looking for redemption...

He used to be selfish in many ways, only thinking of life's pleasures and not caring much about anything serious and responsible. That all changed once he got to know Justice. He began to see things in a new light. He sacrificed his whole life when he took Justice into him, and that included any chance of ever having a fling again. He had learned to live without a decent meal and he was fighting for the right to shoot lightning at fools, but a part of him still longed for a life with a pretty girl. However, the moment those thoughts crept in, Justice would immediately remind him that they were fighting for basic freedoms that everyone deserved. The anger would grow over the oppression of the mages, then the rage would push all thoughts of pretty girls out the window.

It would seem that Tisha was just as desperate as he was. She had agreed to help him before she even knew what he was asking. What had happened in her past that would cause her to seek the aid of a complete stranger? She was an enigma to him, but then again, he'd placed his trust in her to help him with Karl. In part it was because he was just as desperate as she was. He needed to get his old friend out of the Gallows, but she had also won him over with her confidence and self assurance. She obviously had no problem walking into his clinic and asking a complete stranger for help. He found her intriguing, perplexing and he was surprisingly drawn to her.

_Justice had emotions outside of what he had as a spirit, but being inside Anders, he had felt the things Anders felt and the mage's emotions affected and influenced him. Figuring out how he felt about Tisha Hawke was something that would only come with time. He would have to tread carefully until he understood her intentions; if he ever could. Justice was wary of her but also curious; there was something different about her, something that drew him in spite of himself, and he knew that Anders was already wondering about her. He had always let Anders do what he felt he needed to do, unless it was something that was completely against what Justice stood for. Only then would he would threaten to take control of Anders_.

**xxXxx**

Anders saw Tisha and her group as they approached the doors of the Chantry. While being very careful and making sure no templars were following her or her group, Anders cautiously walked up to her. "I'm glad you were able to come."

She smiled that heart-stopping smile, "I told you I would be here, and here I am I."

Anders just shook his head, "I am not used to many people being true to their word. I've only known one person in my entire life that had the integrity to stand up for what was right no matter what the cost."

Her smile never faltered, "Well I hope to increase that number by at least one. So have you seen your friend?"

"I saw Karl go inside a few minutes ago; no templars so far. Are you ready?" he asked

"I didn't see anyone suspicious out here. So yes, we're ready. Let's do this fast," she said in a nervous but hopeful tone.

"All right, I'll handle the talking. You watch for templars." Anders said, Tisha nodded her understanding and they entered the Chantry in hopes of finding Karl.

Everything was quiet inside the Chantry, in front of the many statues, candles burned with barely a single flicker. The sound of their boots against the stone were the only noises that reached his ears, and he felt a shiver go up his spine, something was definitely wrong. He felt something, a stir of air perhaps, and as he turned to see a man in mage's robes standing in the shadows. Anders' eyes lit up and he started to walk towards him, then he stopped, slightly confused as his friend started to speak.

"Anders, I know you too well. I knew you would never give up" Karl said, in an awkward voice that made Anders even more wary. It didn't sound like Karl at all, although it definitely was him.

"What's wrong? Why are you talking like..." _Nooo!_ Anders couldn't believe what he was seeing. His friend, the one he risked everything for, had been made Tranquil. Anders stumbled backwards in disbelief. His heart pounding away in his chest.

"I was too rebellious - like you. The templars knew I had to be... made an example of," Karl stated in a distant and unnatural voice.

Anders felt as if his heart was about to explode in his chest. "No!" he shook his head in fear and anger.

"How else will mages ever master themselves? You'll understand, Anders. As soon as the templars teach you to control yourself. This is the apostate," Karl said as the room suddenly filled with templars, weapons drawn and ready to fight.

"No!" Anders exclaimed in horror, trying to fight for control.

As the Templars surrounded them, Anders wasn't ready, still too focused on the emotionless husk that was once his friend to notice his surroundings, to hear the heavy treat of armored boots on the stairs. Even the dark haired girl was absent from his thoughts until he found himself facing down a dozen templars, and then he looked for her, expecting to see she too had betrayed him. Instead she was caught up in the arms of one of the large males, mouth covered, sparkling eyes dull from having her mana drained. Resigned to her fate, those eyes told him, but still pleading with him to get out of there while he still had a chance. Righteous anger shot through his blood like fire, sending his body to his knees; they would not have this pure innocent girl, more selfless than any being he had ever met. She deserved justice, just as much as Karl did.

"_You will never take another mage as you took him!"_ Justice bellowed from the mouth of Anders, just as fighting broke out in the Chantry. Anders tried but couldn't regain control, Justice was doing all the fighting, unleashing his righteous fury on the templars that were coming from all directions.

Once the battle was over, Anders could see what had happened but couldn't act with Justice still in control. He couldn't believe what had just taken place. He looked over at Karl, heartbroken and shamed that he couldn't get to him sooner. That he couldn't save him. Karl's voice startled him. It was not the voice of the Tranquil he and Tisha had heard just moments before the battle, but the voice he remembered from their years in the Circle.

"I- Anders, what did you do? It's like... you brought a piece of the Fade into this world. I had already forgotten what that feels like," Karl asked in wonder.

Anders could see the shocked expression on Tisha's face as she stared at him and then at Karl. Still fighting to gain control of his body, Anders heard her speak.

"I thought the Tranquil were cut off from the Fade forever," Tisha said in both disbelief and amazement.

"When you're Tranquil, you never think of your life before. But... it's like the Fade itself is inside Anders; burning like a sun. Please, kill me before I forget again! I don't know how you brought it back, but it's fading," Karl begged, looking at Anders pleadingly.

Anders couldn't believe what Karl was asking, neither could Justice and it shocked the spirit enough that he relinquished control. Anders caught his breath as he found he could act again and stared at Karl in disbelief, that he could just give up like that. "Karl, no..." Anders started to speak as he was interrupted by Tisha.

"Maybe we can find a cure," Varric said.

Anders shook his head in defeat as he knew there was no cure that could save his friend. "Can you cure a beheading? The dreams of a Tranquil mages are severed, there is nothing left of them to fix. My friend is gone, nothing of who he once was remains," he said solemnly as he felt the lump in his throat begin to tighten.

"Anders, please, I would rather die a mage than live as a templar puppet," Karl pleaded again.

"My sister and I both know that being Tranquil is a fate worse than death and it was my father's worst fear," Tisha said, looking into his eyes with heartbreak written across her face. She gently touched his arm. "Give him peace, Anders."

"You have no idea. Your emotions, your dreams, everything - stripped away on someone's whim! If I were made Tranquil, I would wish for a friend compassionate enough to kill me... Karl, I'm sorry." Anders said as he knew that there was nothing else he could do, that he had failed once again. "I got here too late. I'm sorry, Karl. I'm so sorry."

Anders pulled out a dagger, grasped his friend's shoulder and looked into his eyes one last time before he drove the blade into Karl's chest. The mage doubled over and then collapsed. Karl was dead and Anders felt as if his whole world had once again been ripped to shreds. Tisha had tried to comfort him but the shock and heartbreak overwhelmed him and he ran, he just had to get away as fast as he could.

Anders made his way back to his clinic. His mind in emotional turmoil. His closest friend had been made Tranquil and he had killed him to bring him peace. He would never forget the feel of the dagger slipping into Karl's flesh. It sickened him, but a quick death was better than living a life as an empty shell.

And then there was Tisha. After seeing Justice, she'd looked at him with the most peculiar expression on her face, a look of both disbelief and amazement. He couldn't begin to think what must have been running through her head, but he wouldn't be surprised if he never saw her again. She was a mage, she would see him as an abomination and if she didn't come here to kill him, she would never be able to accept him... them. He felt a twinge of pain at the thought of never seeing her again. However, even though Justice was curious about her, and he respected her courage to help Anders, he could sense that Anders was drawn to her, and in the spirit's mind, not seeing her again would be the best thing... for both of them.

Anders paced the room like a caged animal turning the night's events over in his head, trying to come to terms with it. His back was to the door when he felt a magical presence nearing his room; he turned just as Tisha strolled in. She looked perplexed and confused, but her features lacked the disgust, anger or fear that he expected to have seen there.

"That little display back there... that wasn't any type of magic that I've ever seen or heard of," she stated calmly as if she was asking him where he purchased his small clothes.

"Aaah, well that is hard to explain," Anders started.

"Take your time, I think you will find me a fairly open-minded individual," Tisha replied.

"When I was a Grey Warden at Vigil's Keep, we came across a Spirit of Justice who was trapped outside the Fade. He was a friend and he understood the injustices that were done to mages. In order for him to survive, he needed a willing host," Anders explained.

"And so you offered yourself up as his host? How is that different from a demon?" Her words were accusatory, but her tone was one of trying to understand the impossible.

"Demons look to corrupt men's sins for their own gain. The Fade also has good spirits that embody our virtues - Spirits of Compassion, Fortitude, Justice," Anders stated.

"Well, that does sound useful. Where can I get one of these spirits?" Tisha asked dryly.

Anders shook his head as he tried not to smile at her flippant remark. "My own flaws have corrupted the true nature of Justice. My anger at the mages plight has changed what was once good, and distorted it. What you saw tonight was a perverted sense of justice. Now he is force of Vengeance and he has no understanding of Mercy."

"But you understand that Justice needs to be tempered with Mercy, right?"

He looked at her for a long moment, "Yes, of course."

"Then, Anders, it is you that needs to learn to control the Spirit that is within you. You must teach it about Mercy, just as you taught it about Vengeance," Tisha said.

Her statement was simple, but profound. She was also correct. If it was his emotions that taught Justice to be vengeful, then it could also be his emotions that could teach Justice to be compassionate and merciful.

He smiled at her, "Thank you. Your own examples are something to try and follow."

"Well it's easy to be compassionate and merciful when the individual that is receiving it, is such a handsome and attentive student," she said as she gave him that dazzling smile.

Anders felt the color in his cheeks rise. It had been a long time since a pretty girl had openly flirted with him. Not since... her. There was a time when he would have had a witty and charming comeback, but now she had completely flustered him. "Aaah, well with a teacher as charming as yourself, I'm sure I will excel at my studies."

"If you want to be the teacher's pet, I like chocolates," she replied light heartedly.

Anders laughed, "Yes, I will keep that in mind."

When she'd left his clinic, Anders hoped that he would see her again soon. From what he could tell, she wasn't threatened by the idea of Justice living within him, and that gave him hope for the future.

A few days later he saw her again, she came back and asked him if he would accompany her on a mission. Tisha told him that she was trying to raise finances for her excursion into the Deep Roads, but in the amount of time he had spent with her, he could see her true intentions were to try and help her family. Anders could see it was the one thing that was always at the forefront of her mind. He agreed readily, went with her and was surprised to discover that not only was he now part of her group, but Tisha had also recruited the infamous Captain Isabela to her cause, sadly without her ship. Anders knew Isabela from a previous encounter he'd had with her at the Pearl in Denerim of all places. Never had he thought they would meet again, but fate definitely had other plans.

He wondered how Tisha could so easily place her trust in strangers. Did she have a gift of foresight or was she just very wise and intuitive? She was an enigma to him, in every situation, she always had reasons for each decision she made, and a dazzling smile on her face when he asked her to explain it. Anders knew he was already captivated by her. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't hear her enter the clinic until she started to speak.

"So how is my handsome mage doing today?" She asked, smiling brightly at him.

"Well, if it isn't my favorite apostate." He replied with a smile that mirrored her own. "I had a friend like you once. We got into all kinds of trouble."

"Ooo, I like trouble," she purred.

"Yes, you do seem to have quite the knack for finding it," he chuckled.

"Then I must be in the right place, then," she responded teasingly.

He laughed, "Yes, well I don't need to seek out trouble, but it has a way of finding me." He paused before he continued. "I'm sorry about the last time you came to visit and I just poured out my soul to you about Justice. That was lot to tell someone you had just met."

"I'm use to people pouring out their deepest darkest secrets. I'm just glad you didn't tell me that you like to dress in drag and dance the Remigold," she replied, smiling that dazzling smile of hers.

"I didn't think you were the sort, although for a stunning woman like you, I may be inclined to do so... if the occasion called for it. We might need to rethink the high heels though," Anders grinned.

"Oooh, and I was looking forward to seeing you in a nice platform heel. I do believe Isabela has a pair that would fit you," Tisha said with a pout that made him want to pull her into his arms and kiss her. Justice once again reminded him of boundaries.

"I do have rather large feet," he said as he winked at her. Again, Justice told him that was inappropriate, but he ignored him for once. This was the most pleasant conversation he'd had in years. "I didn't think Isabela's feet were that big, makes you wonder what else she's hiding."

Anders noticed her glance at his feet and begin to blush.

"Let's just say I am more interested in finding out what you might be hiding."

Justice was now strongly reprimanding him and threatening that if he continued down this path that it would ruin everything that they had been working towards. Anders conceded to Justice's point and reined himself back in.

"Well, some things are meant to remain a secret. Once you find out, I would only end up hurting you," Anders paced the room and sighed as he continued, "You saw who I am and what I am capable of. I will only end up breaking your heart. That is the last thing I would want."

She had the most painful, hurt look on her face. As much as he wanted to take back what he had said, he knew that it would only end up in heartbreak. It would be easier if it was his heart now and not hers later. He couldn't stand being the one to bring pain into her life. Without a word, she quickly gathered her things and left.

Anders let out a heavy sigh, trying to hold back the emotions that were threatening to overtake him. He longed for the days when he was able enjoy flirty, laughing conversation, to use his charm and wit to bed any beautiful woman that caught his eye. Anders had taken pride in the fact that he'd been a suave and debonair mage who had everything in life going for him. Visiting brothels when he felt like it, although he'd hardly needed to, as countless women would fall for his wily ways in the blink of an eye. Those days were so carefree, he didn't have to worry about breaking anyone's heart or crying themselves to sleep at night because of his actions. Life had been blissful and had no consequences.

There was only one woman who changed his opinion on the life that he had treasured and that woman was his Elissa. She had opened his eyes in ways that he never could have imagined, she'd taught him how to truly love and what it felt like to be loved in return, but ultimately their union could not last because there had been another who had already claimed her heart. The thought that she could never love him the same way he loved her was his undoing. As much as he loved and respected her, not only for the magnificent person that she was or for all the things she had done to save Ferelden, he could not stay. He loved her too much to just have a casual affair, and he didn't want to pressure her for more than she was able to give. So when the opportunity presented itself with Justice, he seized it.

He couldn't help but think of the look on Tisha's face. She had been nothing but kind and helpful towards him. He would have called himself a liar if he said he wasn't attracted to her, maybe even feeling something for her. The way she smiled at him and the ways in which her funny jokes and flirtatious banter made his heart skip a beat. She made him feel normal and whole, she made him feel like a man. Maker knows he wanted to be with her, but he knew that if he started down that path, he would not be able to turn back, because she stirred things in him that he thought had died long ago.

Resigned to his fate, Anders listened as Justice assured him that it was for the best and he'd made the right choice. She was noble, kind and friendly, but if Anders were to pursue his feelings for her, he would only end up hurting her deeply and possibly permanently damaging something that was once beautiful and perfect. He couldn't live with that. Besides, he knew that Tisha would only be a distraction, one that could only cause them to lose focus on their mission, and divert their attention from what he needed to do for the betterment of his fellow mages and their fate. Justice once again assured him that with time, everything would be alright. He just had to keep holding on.

* * *

><p><strong>*We also could not go without thanking our wonderlicious betas, so to Kira Tamarion and RandomWittering, Thank you. Spunky monkeys like us would be lost without you. <strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Cause you're hot then you're cold, you're yes then you're no

You're in then you're out, you're up then you're down

You're wrong when it's right, it's black and it's white

We fight, we break up, we kiss, we make up

You're hot then you're cold, you're yes then you're no

You're in then you're out, you're up then you're down

You're wrong when it's right, it's black and it's white

We fight, we break up, we kiss, we make up

(you) You don't really want to stay, no

(but you) But you don't really want to go-o

_Hot and Cold by Katy Perry_

Exhausted, Anders entered the clinic and threw himself down on the bed. They had just come back after saving a templar from the clutches of a blood mage. He couldn't believe that he had actually saved a templar, but when he saw the torture and pain that had been inflicted on the man, there was no way he could stand by and do nothing. Anders had been a little surprised that Hawke had brought Fenris along for the mission. She tended to avoid involving the elf in anything that involved mages; a wise decision on her part, since Fenris hated everything to do with magic.

She had avoided him for over a month since he'd told her that had no future together.

He had only seen her once in that time, and that was when she had been too badly injured to heal herself, during a Sharps ambush. Varric and Isabela had managed to get her to Varric's room at the Hanged Man, while Fenris had run to get him. For a man that hated magic, Fenris sure as hell found it useful when it could heal a woman he obviously had feelings for.

That realization had sent a strong current of jealously through Anders' body and he thought back to that terrifying moment when he was afraid he would lose her entirely...

Anders had run into Varric's room and saw the unconscious, bloody form of Tisha, his heart nearly stopped. He rushed over to her and raised his hands as he examined her injuries.

"What the hell are you waiting for mage? Heal her!" Fenris demanded.

"If I can pinpoint the specific areas that need to be healed, I can heal her faster than if I cast a general healing spell. So why don't you just back off, Elf, and let me do my job." Anders snarled.

"Calm down Blondie, we don't need you to go all Blue Eyed Glowy Man on us." Varric said, a little over exaggerated.

Anders could feel Justice's anxiety at seeing the extent of Tisha's injuries. Justice was angry and felt that they should have been there to prevent this. If they had, she wouldn't have been so severely injured.

"_If I remember correctly, Justice, it was you that though that we needed to distance ourselves from her," _Anders snapped at the spirit.

"_In a perfect world, we would have never met this beautiful apostate, but since she has come into our lives you have been happier, which makes me happier. As big of a distraction as she is, her abrupt departure has made both of us even more distracted," _Justice admitted.

"_Well, that is mighty big of you to admit," _Anders responded sarcastically.

"_She can further our cause Anders, if you could learn to rein in your feelings for her," _Justice stated.

Once Anders was able to locate the source of the internal bleeding, he began to cast healing spells; within a few minutes she opened her sparkling green eyes and smiled at him. His heart soared that she seemed genuinely happy to see him.

"Anders?" she asked, in surprise.

"Fenris came to the clinic to get me. I'm grateful that he did and I'm glad I came. Your injuries were extensive," Anders said as he tried to control the excitement in his voice.

She gently touched his hand. "Thank you for coming. I know the last time we saw each other we didn't part on the best of terms."

"Hmmm, well that explains why Blondie hasn't been with us on those last two jobs," Varric commented.

"Leave it to Varric to point out the blatantly obvious," Fenris remarked bitterly.

"And leave it to the jealous elf to always have something to say," Varric retorted.

"Could you two stop bickering for five minutes? You sound like an old married couple." Tisha looked at Fenris and Varric before finally looking at him. "Thank you for saving me, I know it can't have been easy for you."

Anders was now truly embarrassed. "Well, I certainly wasn't going to let you bleed out, just because we had a difference of opinion," Anders replied as nonchalantly as he could manage, even though his heart was beating out of his chest.

Tisha giggled, "Well I'm glad to hear that. Thank you for coming."

"He did! When did that happen?" Isabela exclaimed as every one's jaw dropped in shock. "Oh you weren't talking about that kind of coming."

Anders faced turned a deep shade of red, but Tisha just grinned. "That's the Isabela I know and love, always aware of the up and downs of those around her."

Now, as he laid in bed completely exhausted, he thought about all that had transpired on this latest mission and he had to wonder if she was trying to make him jealous on purpose. Tisha was a notorious flirt; she teased and flirted with everyone to put them at ease so that they let their guard down in her presence. Bloody hell, that would mean that all of those time that she had flirted with him meant nothing. A grin slid across his when he realized that also meant that she hadn't meant a damn word to Fenris either.

It made more sense when he remembered when Tisha had finally asked for his help once more and they had returned from a mission to the Wounded Coast. He had nearly choked to death when she had casually asked the elf about his tattoos.

"_Fenris," Tisha cooed._

"_Yes," the elf grunted._

"_Your tattoos are lyrium, correct?"_

_Fenris nodded. _

"_So if I licked them would I get high?" Tisha asked._

_Anders choked and coughed causing Tisha to giggle._

"_What?" Fenris exclaimed._

"_As a mage, if I licked you all over would I get high?" Tisha asked with feigned innocence. She glanced over her shoulder and saw Anders face had turned red. _

"_Ooo, I'd like to see that," Isabela purred._

"_Aaah… well, I'm not s-sure," Fenris stuttered. _

"_We could always give it a try and find out?" Tisha teased._

"_Or better yet, can we double team him?" Isabela cooed._

"_Aaah… ummm…" Fenris was at a complete loss for words._

"_Your a mage, lyrium doesn't effect you that way," Anders countered._

"_Sssh, he doesn't know that," Tisha hissed. _

"_Isabela and Hawke, stop teasing the poor elf. Keep talking like that and you'll have him polishing the Blade of Mercy all night long," Varric chuckled. _

The friendly banter had continued the rest of the night and it was as if the entire _break your heart _incident had never happened. Two days later she had arrived at his clinic to ask him to aid her in the investigation of several missing templars.

However, if that was her way of putting Fenris at ease it had completely backfired. Anders had never seen the elf so flustered; which only reinforced his belief that the ex-slave had a crush on her. At least he hoped it was a crush and nothing more.

Then the thought struck him like a lightning bolt. "_What if it wasn't a crush, what if he had developed actual feelings for her and during the month that they had been apart, what if Tisha had developed feelings for the elf too."_ He could kind of see the attraction if you were into brooding elves who were so thin they looked malnourished and had an obsession with magical fisting... "_No, he didn't even want to think about Fenris and Tisha like that... At all. LA LA LA LA,"_he sang in his head trying to clear his thoughts from that horrid visual.

Then he heard Justice's voice loud, clear and as implacable as ever, "_Remember you are only her friend_."

He sighed and knew the spirit was right.

"_If this is going to work, you have to keep your relationship with her strictly platonic, no matter how charismatic she is. I admit, I find her attractive as well but we... you can never act on those desires. If you cross that line with her, we are doomed and we would condemn her too,_" the spirit continued, insistent.

Anders started to protest but Justice just carried on, determination in his tone. "_You know from the time I spent in the body of Kristoff, shared his memories, that I understand the true nature of love. Love is giving, self sacrificing, __unconditional and ultimately selfish. If you allow yourself to fall in love with her, there would be no turning back. I can keep you focused on the task at hand but I can't stop her from being a casualty of our war_."

**xxXxx**

They all stumbled into the Hanged Man after undertaking the very grisly job of finding an obnoxious man's missing wife. After discovering that all that remained of poor Ninette was her severed hand, everyone had been in agreement that they needed a stiff drink. Justice wasn't thrilled with the idea, but he conceded that this mission had been particularly difficult, and gave Anders his consent for some much needed relaxation, Justice reminded him to remain in control of himself.

Nora walked over to them and Varric ordered a pitcher of ale for the table while Isabela ordered a round of whiskey for everyone. Anders felt Justice's anxiety about the hard liquor. He worried that it would make Anders too relaxed, that he would let down his guard, but Anders reassured him that everything would be fine.

Once the drinks had been delivered, Varric raised his whiskey glass and everyone followed him, "Cheers to you and cheers to me, the best of friends we'll always be. But just in case we disagree, to the Dark City with you and cheers to me."

The group yelled out, "Cheers!" Except for Isabela who exclaimed, "Is that the best you've got?"

Before anyone took a sip of their whiskey, they all looked at Isabela and then at Varric. His eyes furrowed, "Are you really insulting my toast?"

"Yes Varric, I am. I know you have a better toast in you than that lame one." Isabela taunted.

Varric cocked an eyebrow, "Fine, but Bianca cover your ears darling." Varric raised his glass again and cleared his throat, "Here's to honor - Get on her, Stay on her, And if you can't cum in her, Cum on her."

This time everyone yelled, "Cheers." and drank their shot.

"I don't understand what that means," Merrill stated.

"It's an Antivan toast, Kitten." Isabela replied.

"Oh, well then here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon," Merrill said.

"What?" Isabela and Anders said in unison.

"That's Orlesian toast," Merrill replied.

Everyone doubled over with laughter.

"What? Did I misunderstand again?" Merrill complained.

In unison every one exclaimed, "Yes!" As they continued to laugh.

Without anyone but Varric noticing, Isabela ordered another round of whiskey for the table.

He leaned over and whispered, but Anders could still make out most of the exchange. "Are you trying to... Tisha drunk so that you can take... or Blondie?"

"Well, if I thought... man enough... can't pull the trigger, I will." Isabela whispered back.

"Rivaini, you're good," Varric said.

Isabela winked at the dwarf, "When I'm good, I'm very good and when I'm bad, I'm even better."

Varric roared with laughter while Anders' blood boiled. He didn't know what infuriated him more, Isabela trying to get Tisha drunk so that she could sleep with her, or that they didn't think he was man enough to act on his feelings for her. There was a time when his manhood would have _never _been called into question, now he was being viewed as a eunuch. It was that last thought that infuriated him most of all. How on the Maker's world did he give that impression to anyone... He was just trying to save both him and Tisha from further heartbreak, but now he was being seen as less manly or cowardly for not telling her how he felt? Or like Isabela, just using her to have a good time?

When Nora set down the next round of drinks, Anders didn't even wait for the toast. He grabbed the glass of whiskey and drank it in one. The whiskey burned on the way down, but the warmth of the liquor quickly spread through his body relaxing him a little more. He wanted to just close his eyes and go to sleep, but when Tisha stood to give the toast, his attention was completely focused on her.

She raised her glass and grinned at all the men that were her companions. "Here's to the men in my life, Maker bless them! You are the worst of my sins, I confess them! In loving you all; both great or small, so here's to my boys! Maker bless them!"

Isabela, Merrill and Aveline yelled their cheers the loudest. Tisha winked at Anders and then sat down beside him. She smiled at him.

"I liked your toast," he said.

"Thanks, I wanted to prove to Isabela that a good toast didn't have to be a dirty one," Tisha said.

"Well, I don't know if she will agree, but I thought it was great." Anders replied, feeling completely relaxed.

She rested her hand on his leg and he felt his heart race at the warmth of her touch. "I'm glad you came out with us tonight, Anders. It's nice to see you without blood on your face or completely drained after a day of healing."

"Blood on my face? If you noticed that first, then it must be quite appealing."

"That's not all I find appealing," she giggled like a chantry sister on her way to get laid.

She had the cutest laugh, and Anders had to use every ounce of strength to keep from pulling her into his arms and kissing her.

"Well, as we discussed before, I believe my appealing bits are off limits as yours are to me," Anders said.

She scooted closer to him, any closer and she would be in his lap. The thought of her in his lap made his groin tighten with desire. She leaned in so that no one else could hear her, "And which of my bits do you find most appealing?"

"Would it be too bold to say all of them?"

She smiled that beautiful smile of hers, "Good Ser, I do believe you aren't bold enough."

"How bold would you like me to be, my Lady?"

Anders saw her eyes flare with desire causing his groin to tighten even more. Thank the Maker he was wearing a lose robe.

"Hmm, bold enough to take me home and have your way with me," she cooed through veiled lashes. Her warm breath washed over him, sending shivers down his spine.

Anders pictured her spread out on his bed, her luscious body eager for him to take her, taste her and be with her every way possible. He could only imagine the feel of her skin, the taste of her soft lips, her scent. Fuck, what was he doing. He wasn't supposed to be thinking about her like this.

He looked into her hopeful eyes. Damn, he didn't want to hurt her again. He had just gotten her back in his life and here he was fucking it up again. "Tisha," he said slowly as he tried to formulate the right words, but before he could say anything more she placed a finger over his lips.

"Ssssh," she purred. "I'm sorry Anders. It is I that was too bold and presumptuous. I know that you only see me as a friend. I've had a little too much to drink and I should never have thrown myself at you like that."

She leaned in, kissed his cheek, then she stood up and walked over to Merrill and Aveline. As he watched her walk away and an ache coursed through him.

"Looks like you missed your chance again, Blondie. Isabela won't make that mistake," Varric murmured next to him.

"I didn't miss my chance. I let her go for her own good. If Tisha wants Isabela, I'm not going to stand in her way, but somehow I didn't get the feeling that it was the pirate wench she wanted to bed." Anders said confidently.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night Blondie. That maybe true for now, but a person can only handle so much rejection before they seek comfort in the arms of another. It's obvious that you care about her as deeply as she cares about you. I don't understand why you are fighting this." Varric replied.

"Have you seen me do the blue glowy thing? I'm not the most stable person to be in her life." Anders countered.

"Yeah, but I get the impression that crazy is a real turn on for her." Varric chuckled.

"She does give off that impression, doesn't she?"

"Hell Anders, I don't know if you noticed, but she's a little crazy herself. Have you paid attention to the way she fights? Most mages stay back, she is right up there with us... now that's crazy," Varric answered and then took another sip of his ale before he continued. "Look Blondie, all I'm saying is that life is too short not to seize opportunities like this one. I don't think you will ever meet another girl as uniquely wonderful as our Hawke. Don't waste it."

"You don't understand Varric, I'm too dangerous for her. No good can come from it, I'll not only break her heart but will also ruin her life, I can't do that."

"Blondie, you're the one that doesn't understand. Your a danger to her whether you are with her romantically or not. Just knowing you, associating with you is a danger to her and could potentially ruin her life. And if you don't think it breaks her heart every time you reject her, then you're lying to yourself. She isn't some naive girl, she knows the risks and she still wants you. She is choosing you."

Anders just stared at the dwarf, completely speechless. He had no rebuttal for his points. Anders shook his head in defeat. He looked across the table at her as she laughed casually with her companions, Maker only knew how badly he wanted her, but just because she knew and understood the risks didn't mean he was willing to risk placing her in that kind of danger. If anything happened to her because of him, he would never be able to forgive himself.

Tisha went to stand up, lost her balance and fell into Isabela's lap.

"Well, hello sweet thing, I finally have you where I want you," Isabela cooed as she ran her hand up Tisha's thigh.

"You could have just asked, your lap is comfortable... and bouncy!"

"Bouncy? I have something better you can bounce on precious." Isabela purred.

Anders felt the jealousy begin to surge again. He would not allow Isabela to take advantage of her while she was drunk. If Tisha was sober and decided she wanted to bed the smutty pirate that was different, but not after all the alcohol that she had consumed. He stood up, walked over to them, took Tisha's hand and pulled her off Isabela's lap and straight into his arms. She stumbled again, but he grabbed her by the waist to steady her.

"I think you've had a little to much to drink. It might be time to call it a night. Let me walk you home," Anders said.

Anger flared in her eyes as she pushed him away from her. Once she gained her own balance, she leaned into him and hissed in a low voice that only he could hear, "I don't get you Anders. One minute you're hot the next you're cold. One minute your robe is pitching a tent with desire for me and then the next minute your pushing me away. You send more mixed messages than the fucking Chantry. I can't take it any more."

He pulled her back to him and whispered back, "I'm sorry Tish, really..."

"What did you call me?"

"Huh? Aaah, Tish." Anders replied completely confused as he watched her expression change from one of anger to one of pain. She pulled away from him and ran out of the Hanged Man. Anders grabbed his staff and went after her.

He caught up to her by the time she had made it half way to her house. Damn she was quick. He grabbed her arm to stop her. "Tisha, what the hell was that about?"

Tears were freely flowing down her checks. He reached up, wiped them away and as he did so she leaned her face into the palm of his hand. He loved the feel of her soft velvety skin against his rough callous hands. "Tell me, what does that name mean to you?" he said gently.

Anders led her to a nearby bench and she took that time to compose herself. "Everyone in my family calls me Lettie. It's short for Letitia, everyone except for my father. He called me Tish for as long as I can remember and no one has called me that since he died. Hearing you say that name just caught me off guard and I had this flood of memories wash over me, it was overwhelming."

Anders now cupped her face in both of his hands as he tried to comfort her. "I'm so sorry, Tisha. If I had known I would have never called you that. I promise I will never do that again."

She smiled sadly at him. "No, I actually liked hearing you say my father's pet name for me. I wouldn't want anyone else to call me that, but it just sounded right coming from you."

He ran his thumb across her cheek as he wiped away a stray tear. Her request had completely humbled him and moved him to a point where he could hardly speak. "I would be honored to call you Tish," he said as he pulled her into his arms and lovingly embraced her. At that very moment he realized that he was in love with her and even if their relationship never went beyond the bonds of friendship, he would give his life to protect her and keep her safe.

After a few minutes he heard the soft sounds of her breathing, "Tish?" he said gently - nothing. He looked down and smiled, between the exhaustion from the earlier battle, the alcohol and the emotional tidal wave, she had fallen asleep. He scooped her up into his arms and carried her home.

Carver greeted them at the door with a scowl on his face. "Is this how you are going to treat my sister, mage? Get her drunk and then carry her home unconscious so you can take advantage of her?"

"What! Have you ever been laid in your life Carver? If I was going to take advantage of her do you think I would bring her home so that her mother, brother and uncle could watch? You really need to grow up a little and stop being so self-centered," Anders retorted incredulously.

Carver held out his arms, Anders gently handed the surly warrior his sister, the man glowered at him. "Next time, do you think you could manage to bring her home awake and with the ability to walk? At least that's what the elf does."

Carver's words had hit their mark as Anders felt his stomach tighten and almost retch from the jealousy and resentment that swept over him. Anders stumbled back as if he had been punched, but managed to mutter, "I'll do my best."

* * *

><p><strong>AN** - _Thank you to everyone that has added this story to their alert and favs lists. We are so glad that you like our story. Also a big shout out to those that took the time to drop a line in our box and share your thoughts with us._

_Also, huge thanks to the betalicious team of Random and Kira. Thanks for your help, support and ideas. You ladies are the best!_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Is it true what they say you won't give it away?

And I don't know what to do to get next to you, next to you.

Every night, every day you just push me away.

Tell me what should I do to get next to you, next to you?

I've been trying all night long and I wanna get next to you.

I wrote about you baby in this song 'cause I wanna get next to you.

Next to you!

Better than koolaid sweet my buttercup, baby's got a pretty face.

I got to have it, it's another bad habit and I hope I'm not here too late.

Next to you by Buck Cherry

They had just set up camp on the outskirts of the Wounded Coast after tracking and taking care of a group of unruly fellows for some Brother named Sebastian. Anders was surprised that Tish had asked him to join her on this mission, given how strained things had been between them. They hardly spoke and when they did it was only because she needed his help as a healer, or a fighter. He really wanted to try and patch things up. He wanted to be her friend. She had helped him and he wanted to continue helping her all he could. Justice kept telling him that it was good that they weren't so close, there was much less chance that they could hurt her or turn her world upside down, but in truth, not being near her was turning _his_ world upside down.

Anders was frustrated and he needed some peace and quiet to try and gain control of his emotions. He wasn't in the mood for one of Isabela's jokes or to sit and listen to Varric as he came up with another way to gain some coin for Bartrand's Deep Roads expedition. He got up and decided to go for a walk, clear his mind of the endless repetition of questions. Would he be able to just be friends with Tish, would they be able to look past their feelings and just work together, and more importantly, would he be able to handle it if she chose to be with someone else?

He wondered around for a while, consulting with Justice about other ways they could help the mage underground, or how they could improve the clinic to aid more people. He rounded a corner and saw a vision that made his heart leap out of his chest and his head spin. Tish, was alone, leaning against a tree and looking like an angel as the late afternoon sun set her dark red hair aglow.

She was twirling something in her hand, he couldn't make out what it was and thought it was the perfect reason to walk over and talk to her. He was also happy that she was alone; he needed to talk to her without the others eavesdropping and commenting on everything. As he got closer to her, Anders saw her wiping a stray tear from her cheek. He wanted so badly to take her in his arms, hold her close and never let her go. He hated seeing her upset.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked cautiously.

Tish spun round and faced him with a startled expression. "What? uhm... No, it's nothing, I'm just being silly. Don't worry about it."

"I know something is bothering you and I hate seeing you like this, please talk to me." Anders pleaded.

"There's nothing to talk about, so just drop it, please, Anders. I am not in the mood right now, okay?" She sighed and looked out towards the ocean. She chuckled softly as she continued, "I wonder why they call it the Wounded Coast, it's such a funny name. Maybe we'll find some more while we're here, like 'The Injured Cliffs', 'Limping Hills' or how about 'Massive Head-Trauma Bay'?"

"You're avoiding the..." Anders started to say as he saw a spear flying rapidly in their direction.

He pulled Tish out of the way just as the spear shot into the tree next to her. Anders spun round only to see about two dozen Tal-Vashoth barreling down upon them. He knew they would not be able to beat them all, but he would try nonetheless. He had to protect her and keep her safe. She was more important than him or his cause.

"_Nothing is more important than the cause," Justice reminded him._

"_At the moment, living is more important than the cause,"_

Both of them fought side by side as fast as they could. Shooting fireballs, stonefists, and cone of cold spells with all the energy they could muster, but the Tal-Vashoth just kept on coming. They were sprouting like weeds, there were so many. The attackers tried to encircle them as they moved closer, calculating their attacks to wear both of them down before actually killing them. Anders quickly looked around for anything he could do, or anything he could use, to save their lives, his mind reeling with possible outcomes. They might die, and he would never have the chance to tell her that he really did want her, need her and want to be with her. He knew time was running out. Anders was in front of her as he quickly came up with a risky plan that might end up killing them anyway, but it would be much better than dying at the hands of these merciless beings.

He pulled Tish into his arms and kissed her quickly but passionately. "I'm sorry." Anders said, as he broke the kiss.

"For what, kissing me?" she asked.

"No, for this!" He held her tightly and jumped off the cliff and into the raging water beneath.

Anders came up for air, he looked around and saw Tish a few yards away from him. She was unconscious and floating. He raced towards her and gripped her in his arm as he swam towards the shore as fast as he could. He pulled her out of the water and immediately started working on her, getting all the water out of her lungs. After a few minutes she finally gasped for breath and started coughing up water. Anders hugged her furiously.

"Thank the Maker, I would never have been able to forgive myself if I'd lost you." he breathed.

"Are you crazy? You could have warned me you were going to do a swan dive off the damn cliff!"

"I'm sorry, Tish. But we didn't exactly have a lot of options. Would you rather have been at the end of some Tal-Vashoth's pike?"

"No, of course not. I'm sorry I snapped at you, it's just that you caught me by surprise when you kissed me," Tish admitted with an apologetic smile. She started shivering and Anders cursed.

"We need to get back to camp, come on," he said, helping her up.

They walked on for a little while before realizing they were well and truly lost. The skies opened, pouring freezing rain over their already sodden clothes; finding any kind of shelter was now a high priority. The night was cold and they were both shivering violently.

They almost missed the cave entrance as they passed it in the dark, Anders caught it out of the corner of his eye. They entered cautiously, senses on high alert for any current inhabitants and were relieved to find it was unoccupied. It wasn't a large cave but they had enough room so they could stay at the back and be out of the rain. There wasn't anything to burn in here and anything out there would be soaking by now. Both mages were exhausted, out of power and, damn it, had no lyrium on them since they hadn't expected to be away from camp... or be in any fights.

After a few false attempts, Anders managed to summon a dim ball of light. Just enough to see each other by and he was shocked by Tish's appearance. She was drenched, so cold her teeth were chattering and her lips had taken on a blue tinge. Not good. Anders could only think of one thing that could help them in this situation. He started removing his robe.

"What the void are you doing?"

"You are freezing and we're out of mana, you need body heat to keep warm," he said as he stripped down to his small clothes. "Now get out of those wet robes of yours,"

"You didn't have to nearly drown me if you wanted to see me out of my robes. There were easier less painful ways to do that. Aaaaa-chew."

"Even witty while shivering and sneezing your delicious ass off, what do I need to do to get you out of those robes quicker?" Anders asked.

"U-under any other circumstances I would love to hear you utter those words, but considering all that has happened or better yet, not happened, between us I don't think that is the best idea, so I'll just sit over here on this rock and s-shiver until my mana returns" Tisha retorted as her teeth chattered.

"Oh would you just get undressed already? I don't want you getting sick or dying on me just because you were stubborn," he responded. "You could get hypothermia and your body could go into shock. Not that I want to sound like I'm preaching to you, but given our current circumstances and lack of mana, it would be a good idea just to follow my advice for once."

"Alright, already! Since you have me so nicely wrapped around your finger, oh wise and powerful one." Tish started getting undressed, teeth still chattering.

He moved closer to her as soon as she was out of her robes, and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her as close to him as he could. Their body heat in the small space of the cave was doing much to restore them, but Anders was becoming increasingly aware of her form, snuggled up to his. Bare skin to bare skin with only their underclothes separating them. He tried to think of anything but that, but he was fighting a losing battle. Tish made a small sound and snuggled closer. Anders realized she was falling asleep and he lay them down into a comfortable sleeping position, letting her lie almost on top of him, his arms wrapped around her. He hoped she was asleep because his body was letting him know exactly how happy it was about the situation. She shifted slightly and mumbled as she tried to get closer to him. _Oh fuck!_Anders thought as he lifted his head, looked straight into her eyes, he immediately shifted his hips away from her.

"You're not shivering so much anymore, I'll take that as a good sign. Are you comfortable enough?" Anders asked.

"Uhm.. That depends, do I get a kiss good night?" Tish retorted sleepily.

"_She really was trying to kill him," he thought._

"_If she doesn't, I will. Stop thinking of her like that. Think of her as Oghren," Justice recommended. _

_Anders shuttered at the very thought._

"Are you okay?" she cooed as she pressed her back and bottom against him.

"Yes, I'm fine. We really should try to get some sleep, we've had a tough night." he replied, feeling some pressure building up in his groin.

"Is that a baby nug in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" she teased as she pressed her behind hard against him. He let out a low growl.

"T-tish, please...you're going...to be my undoing," he moaned as he tried to gain control of himself.

"If I carry on, will you undo me too?" she asked seductively.

He ran his fingers up her the side of her thigh, Maker it would be so easy to give in to what his heart and body wanted. She wanted him as much as he wanted her.

"_ANDERS!" Justice yelled in his head. "Once you go down this path there is no turning back, there is no stopping what you will unleash. She will destroy everything that we have worked __toward."_

Anders fingers slid across her stomach and he heard her breath hitch. His hand was shaking, her skin felt like velvet and she smelled wonderful. At this moment he didn't care about the mission, the manifesto or anything but her.

"_Anders, please," Justice pleaded. "The whole reason I am in you is because of all the injustices that you have seen done and experienced. Don't throw that away now, don't bring her into our world. A world that will destroy the essence of who she is, the person that you love will die a slow death if bring her into our plans. She is too beautiful to destroy. Please Anders!" _

Anders knew he was right. He leaned over and gently kissed her cheek, "Tish, I want you, I have seen I first laid eyes on you, but..."

"Don't...don't say it Anders. I've heard it all before. Just hold me tonight, let me sleep in your arms just for one night," Tisha whispered and he could tell she was crying.

"I'm sorry, Tish." he whispered back, feeling like a prick for what he had just done.

Anders decided the templars knew nothing about torture. All they would have to do was put him in this situation and he would have broken like a twig. Justice was just a faint voice in the back of his mind now as his body yearned to be with her, to make love to her. Things he really shouldn't be thinking about but, Maker, he couldn't help it. It was driving him mad.

Finally her warmth lulled him to sleep and Justice had a final say before he entered the fade. _Anders, you promised her you would go into the Deep Roads with her, but once we return you must distance yourself from her before you quench the light that is in her eyes_. _Anders nodded in agreement as sleep over took him. _

He woke alone the next morning, stiff and a little cold but apparently they had survived the night. He wondered where Tish had gone and as he woke up a little more, he could hear the sound of a crackling fire. He looked for his robe but it was missing and he sighed. At least his underwear had dried from his own body heat. He crawled to the edge of the cave and peered out. Tish was sitting in her small clothes, hugging her knees to her in front of a small fire. Their robes were hanging near it, supported by some tree branches. She seemed lost in thought. He sternly told his body behave as he walked over and knelt beside her, trying to get some warmth from the fire. She turned and looked at him with a saddened expression.

"Whatever you were thinking of saying, just don't. I really don't have the strength to hear it again, so just drop it." Tish stated as she got up and grabbed her robe.

Anders watched sadly as Tisha dragged on her robes and stormed off. He got dressed, put out the fire with a thought and went after her. They weren't actually that far from camp but in the dark they would have missed it. Or killed themselves falling over a cliff. They came to a rocky slope that would take them back up to the level of the camp and finally some food and clean dry clothing.

He had just helped her climb up a steep set of rocks, when Carver came running down the hill with an unconscious Isabela in his arms and Varric following close behind, muttering under her breath. Carver laid Isabela down gently, cursing under his breath. Tish gave Anders a pleading look while trying to chant a healing spell at Isabela.

"We need help over here, if you're done gaping at my sister," Carver said in an irritated fashion.

Anders composed himself quickly and moved to Isabela, "Right, sorry." he said as he started running his hands over Isabela's body. He could see she had some minor injuries, but all of them combined was life-threatening. "I can take it from here," he said while not moving his gaze from the patient in front of him.

Blue light emanated from his hands as he started healing Isabela, within minutes she jumped up and started coughing and gasping for breath. Tish threw herself onto Isabela, almost knocking the wind out of her again and gripping her in a fierce hug while whispering, "Thank you," over and over again. Anders wasn't sure who the thank you was meant for but tried not to dwell on it as he saw the tears steaming down her cheeks. _She may just be trying to make me jealous, if that's the case, it sure as hell is working, he thought._

Anders felt both anger and jealousy bubble up from inside him. How could she do this to him? She was really trying to hurt him, as he had obviously hurt her. Justice reminded him that he should not feel the way he does and not get angry if in fact she was pulling away from him. This was a good thing for them, it would mean that they can't hurt her, they can't corrupt her and they can't cause her any harm. Anders wondered if Justice felt the same way he did about Tish and was just too afraid or confused to admit it.

After everything settled down, Isabela thanked him and offered to buy him a night full of drinks at the Hanged Man for saving her life. Tish asked Carver if he would help carry Isabela back to the Hanged Man to make sure she got there safely and without any further injury. Carver inquired why Tish wasn't going with them and she just bluntly stated that she and Varric had to go and sell all the items that they had collected and she would see him at Gamlin's house later.

**xxXxx**

A month later, Anders was pacing back and forth in his clinic, he was experiencing another night of restless sleep. No matter how hard he tried to focus, he couldn't keep his mind off Tish. She was always there, her face constantly on his mind. He wanted her so badly it hurt, but she had once again pulled away from him. Once again tried to shield herself as she emotionally closed off from him. As much as it hurt him, he was grateful to Tish. He was grateful that she had the strength to stay away from him and keep as much distance between them as possible. Justice kept telling him that it was a good thing, because they would only end up hurting her and that was the last thing either of them wanted. He let out a frustrated sigh and decided that a sleeping draught might be the only thing that could help him get some rest. He walked over to his work bench and started brewing the mix. Once finished, he looked at it for a long moment before swallowing it in one big gulp. Minutes later he started feeling a little woozy, and his bed was sorely needed. He walked into his make shift bedroom and threw himself on his bed, blissfully allowing sleep to overtake him.

_There she was, surrounded by flowers in a field that looked as if it was made just for them. She was standing under a tree, her beautiful dark hair swept up by the blowing breeze. He walked towards her, not really knowing what he would say or do once he was close enough. Tish spun round and smiled when she saw him. It made his heart leap with joy just at the mere sight of her. She was perfect, in every sense of the word. _

_Before he could utter a word, Tish cupped his face in her hands. "Anders," her voice became serious as she spoke. "I know you think you will hurt me, but you're hurting me now. I know you want me, I know you need me and I know that you care about me, but every time you reject me you slice a little deeper into my heart. Don't you understand, Anders, I love you." She leaned forward and softly pressed her lips to his. Her tongue begged and this time he willingly granted her request. Her mouth was so warm, so sweet...Maker she tasted like honey and chocolate. Her soft velvety tongue danced playfully with his and his body began to react to the feel of her supple body pressed against his._

_He pulled away slightly and stared into her sparkling green eyes. Anders feathered light kisses against her lips as he whispered, "I love you." Tish paused, looking at him with hope in her eyes as he continued. "I was afraid to say it and I'm sorry. I was afraid of hurting you. I know I can never give you a normal life. Who knows how much time we will actually have together, but I want to spend that time with you."_

_All of his senses went flying out the proverbial window as she claimed his lips with her own. She tasted so sweet, he could get lost forever in the feel of her mouth against his. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her tightly against him as he deepened their kiss, he explored every inch of her mouth with an insane hunger that was quickly growing out of control. He needed her, he needed all of her. Not breaking their kiss, he slowly backed her up against the tree, running his fingers through her hair, while he continued to completely ravage her mouth. She felt so good in his arms, it was as if she was made only for him. He felt her hands exploring his chest and undoing his robe slowly, pushing it off his shoulders and letting it drop to the ground. A part of him knew he needed to stop, that they were going too far, but he was too lost in her to care._

_His need for her fueled a passionate flame that spiraled though him. He had to have her, and make her his. He pulled back slightly giving her better access to his trousers, which she removed without much trouble, along with his smalls, releasing his very throbbing and painful erection. He broke their kiss and found his way to her collarbone, placing soft kisses all the way onto her neck. He was thrilled to discover that it excited her further. He skillfully undid her robe, also letting it slide off her shoulders and onto the ground and quickly removing her breast-band, taking his time to marvel at her beautiful body. Her breasts are perfection; his imagination hadn't done the pert, taut mounds justice. He leaned in a took the hard nub into his mouth while his hand caressed and pinched the other breast. A loud moan escaped her lips as she pressed her hips against him, he groaned as he felt the heat coming from her moist center._

_He ran his hands down her waist, he loved the feel of her soft skin under his fingertips, finding their way to her beautiful well-rounded backside. He grasped her bottom, lifted her up and pinned her against the tree as Tish wrapped her legs around his waist, teasing his shaft with the contact of her skin and making his hips buck involuntarily into her. He wanted to take his __time, exploring every inch of her perfection, but his need for her over powered all else. He again claimed one of her breasts with his mouth while running his hand down her stomach all the way to her core. She was wet with anticipation, so he teased and stroked her with his fingers, exciting a moan to escape her lips before he inserted his finger into her warm wetness._

_She gripped his shoulder to steady herself and pulled her fingers through his hair, drawing him closer as he was devouring her breasts, sucking and nibbling at them. She cried out his name and arched her back as if begging him to fill her completely, but as badly as he wanted her he wasn't ready to take her just yet. Anders slid two and then three fingers in and out of her, while stroking her pearl with his thumb, reveling in her muffled cries as her walls started closing in around his fingers. Maker she felt incredible, he imagined her tight wet walls enveloping him and a animistic groan ripped from his throat. He buried his face against her neck as he tried to gain control of himself. _

_He finally he was in control again, he pulled back to look into her beautiful green eyes before he captured her lips once more, their tongues dancing in perfect unison with each other as he continued to stroke and tease her. She lifted her hips away from him for a brief second, removing his hand and grabbing his length, guiding it slowly into her. A guttural groan left his lips as her tight warmth enveloped him. He started thrusting slowly, so painfully slow that she pushed against him to add pressure. Soon enough he started to pick up the pace, thrusting into her harder and deeper as she threw her head back and guided his lips to her breasts once more. Tish started to shudder as she started climaxing again, clamping her legs tighter around his waist. He felt his own release drawing closer as she milked him, he gave one final thrust as he spilt all of himself into her. Anders fell against her as their bodies shuddered against each other, enjoying the afterglow of their coupling. He kissed her passionately before gazing deep into her eyes. He felt his heart beating wildly in his chest as she confessed her..._

Anders jolted up off his bed and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes as he realized what he had just dreamed. His sleeping trousers were proving the point as well as his painful erection that demanded more attention. His mind drifted back to the dream of Tish; it had felt so incredibly real. She had felt so real. His heart was pounding in his chest; fuck, the one woman he wanted more than anything was now not only driving him insane in his waking hours, but now was tantalizingly haunting his dreams. He knew it was just a dream, but Maker he could still recall the sweet honey taste of her mouth, seeing her perfect body wrapped around him and feel the hot tight center close in around him as she took him in so completely. Justice was once again reminding him to clear his thoughts of her.

"_Well, fuck Justice, that's easier said then done. Did you see any of that dream? Maker how am I supposed to forget that?"_

"_Yes, I saw it and her, but Anders that wasn't her. That was just your projected image of her. The dream is over, now you must put it behind you."_

He knew Justice was right. He pushed the images out his mind, he got up, went to relieve himself as well as taking a much needed bath before getting dressed and starting another day of healing all who needed it. Thorough out the day his thoughts kept drifting to his dream, to Tish, and Justice would help him force the memories away. She had stayed away from him for so long and he ached to be near her once again. He wanted to be friends with her, more than friends if he was honest with himself. He just could not take that chance as Justice kept reminding him, this was a good thing. If they stayed away from her, they could not hurt her.

She started hanging around with Isabela more after she got injured at the Wounded Coast. Tish started drinking more and hanging out at the Hanged Man, only a fool would have been so blind not to see that she was in pain and something was bothering her. Anders knew she felt something for him, just as he did for her. But there was nothing he could do about it and it certainly didn't help him at all to keep thinking about it or about her.

He needed to distract himself before he drove himself around the bend with all this uncertainty. He walked towards his desk and sat down to start working on his manifesto when he heard her entering.

"Sorry, am I interrupting you?" she asked cautiously.

"No, not at all. I was just finishing up some last minute things before closing the doors," Anders expressed. "Do you need help with anything? You aren't injured, are you?"

"No, no, I'm not injured," Tish turned to Anders with a serious expression across her face, "I know you owe me nothing and normally I wouldn't even ask but I need you to help me with something, it's important and only you can help me," Tisha explained.

"I'll do anything I can to help you, you know that. What do you need?" Anders asked.

"I need to to teach me advanced healing, I can only do minor healing spells but nothing even remotely to what you can do." She let out a sigh and started pacing. "I don't want to risk losing anyone again, we almost lost Isabela that day and I could have saved her if I had the knowledge. Will you teach me, Anders? Please, teach me how to heal better," she pleaded.

"I could teach you, yes, but I have a better idea. Take me with you when you go out on missions. Then you can have the best of both. I'll teach you advanced healing and you'll always have me there and not have to worry about losing anyone." Anders reasoned.

She breathed out a frustrated sigh and shook her head. "I really don't get you, Anders. You say that we can't be together, that you will break my heart, but instead of just teaching me, you want to accompany me on my quests again." Her lower lip trembled as she gathered her strength, "I don't know how much more I take. You know how I feel and that won't change. I cant' take all the innuendos, teasing and knowing smiles. It's cruel, Anders. If we can't be together I can accept that, but you can't keep leading me on either. If are are to be friends than you must treat as you would any other friend. Can you do that?" Tish asked with a twinge of hope in her voice.

"I want us to be friends at least. You are very important to me Tish and I want to do anything I can to ensure your safety. I will teach you, but then you have to promise to take me with you when you go gallivanting into dangerous places again," Anders expressed.

Tisha sighed as pain rippled across her face, "Fine, if that is what you want."

"_What are you doing? Can't you see the pain you are causing this poor girl?" Justice __demanded._

"_Can't you feel my pain? The ache, the longing is becoming unbearable," Anders countered._

"_If you truly love her Anders you will leave her alone and give her peace," Justice advised. ._

"_Well, then I'm a selfish prick, but I can't stay away from her. Even if I can't have her, I need to be near her. She is __**my**_ _saving grace, she is __**my**_ _healer, she makes me feel and normal. I can't live without her; she is like oxygen to me," Anders replied sadly._

_Justice just sighed, "Then the battle in you mind is already lost and it is only a matter of time before the body obeys the mind's desire."_

* * *

><p><strong>AN** - _**Thank you to everyone that has added this story to their alert and favs lists. We are so glad that you like our story. Also a big shout out to those that took the time to drop a line in our box and share your thoughts with us.**_

_**Also, huge thanks to the betalicious team of Kira Tamarion & RandomWittering. Thanks for your help, support and ideas. You ladies are the best!**_

***Our lovable co-author Isabella Monroe has started a new story called Disarray. It's awesometastic so check it out asap. Here's the summary **Maker, she had Amell's eyes. When the rogue fixed her gaze on him and smiled an impish grin at him, his fragile world that he had built around him crumbled in complete disarray. Anders struggles to overcome his past while the future collides into him.** Ht tp: / /w ww. Fan fiction. net/s/ 7041 795/ 1/ Disarray (remove the spaces)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"Funny how my world keeps spinnin', sometimes you can be so silly

You know just how to make me laugh, ooh, your skin is so lovely

It moves me when you touch me, I know that you got my back

It feels so safe when you hold me, it's already like you know me

When my mind's void, you're my joy, you're the dream when I sleep

And hey I'm for ya yeah I adore ya, you're everything that I need

I love how you love me, if I'm made for you, you're made for me

It's too good to be true, so tell me what we're gonna do now"

_Tell Me What We're Gonna Do Now by Joss Stone_

They had been in the Deep Roads for over a week now and the further that they descended into the depths of the earth, the quicker Anders' heart raced and the harder it became to breathe. He hated the blighting Deep Roads and it wasn't just because of the darkspawn. The fear of the enclosed space, the inability to escape gripped his mind and refused to relinquish its hold. He took deep breaths as he tried to calm his mind and ease the anxiety.

Tisha had found a small cave that gave them enough room to move about but the narrow opening made it perfect to defend. Bartrand agreed that it would the perfect location for the base camp. As they set-up Anders felt as if the walls were beginning to close in on him, the ceiling that, just a few minutes ago, seemed so high now felt as if it were crashing down on him. His grasped his chest as pain shot through it, his breath was raspy as it became difficult for him to pull air into his lungs. His head began to spin as the panic gripped his mind and he fell to his knees.

He felt a warm arm tenderly slide around his shoulders, "Anders… Anders are you okay?"

"C-can't… can't b-breathe," Anders choked out.

"Anders, sit down and take long deep breaths," Tisha instructed.

Anders sat and tried to draw in deep breaths, but he couldn't get the air to fill his lungs.

Tisha sat down beside him, her voice soft and soothing. "Anders close your eyes, picture something that you find calming and breathe deeply with me. "Breathe in." He heard her inhale. "Now hold it... breathe out." He heard her exhale. "Again."

They sat there, breathing together for several minutes until his anxiety was once again manageable. Eventually she rested her hand on his thigh, "Anders, I'm so sorry. If I had realized that the Deep Roads affected you so deeply I would have never asked you to come."  
>Anders continued to breathe in deeply as he replied, "It's okay. I should be okay. The first one is always the worst; I should be able to manage it from this point on."<p>

Anders looked around the camp and was surprised to see that no one was staring at them. They were all busy organizing the camp. She smiled warmly at him, "It's okay no one noticed. I only realized you were having some kind of attack because I was standing near you when it hit."

She stood up and laid out his bedroll. "Here, make yourself comfortable and let me get you some soup that Varric made."

Anders raised an eyebrow and she grinned, "I know, but it's actually really good this time."

Anders made himself comfortable on the bedroll and a few minutes later Tisha returned with a bowl of soup and a piece of bread. He hadn't realized how hungry he was until he smelled the delicious aroma coming from the bowl. He devoured it within minutes; Tisha laughed, stood up and got him another bowl. He loved the way she was taking care of him. He had never had a woman tend to him, look out for him like this and it was comforting.

"Anders, is it the Deep Roads that brings on the attacks?" Tisha asked gently.

Anders hesitated a moment before he spoke. He shook his head, "No, it's any enclosed space that brings it on."

"Do you know why small spaces have that affect on you?"

Again he hesitated, then nodded. "When I was brought back to the tower after each escape, I was placed in solitary confinement. The punishment normally only lasted a month maybe a little longer, but the last time was the worst. The Knight-Commander had enough of my antics and was Fade bound to break my will and make an example out of me. This time when we returned to the Circle they brought me to the main courtyard… they ripped through my robes, exposing my bare back and strung me up to a tree so that my arms were above my head."

He felt Tisha cringe beside him and grasp his hand as she anticipated where the story was heading. He collected his thoughts then took a deep breath before he continued, his voice becoming distant as the horrible memory came flooding back, "A crowd had begun to gather as word rapidly spread through the tower that a mage was about to be flogged. As Knight-Commander Greagoir walked into the court and cracked the whip, the crowd grew deathly silent. Then I heard a loud commotion, glanced over my shoulder and saw the irate face of the First Enchanter as he stormed up to Greagoir. 'What the bloody hell are you doing Greagoir?' Irving had demanded."

"I am about to show all mages why it's a very bad idea to try to escape the tower, Irving."

"This is uncalled for and inhumane; Anders isn't a criminal. Stop treating him as such!"

"Irving, I'm in charge of the mages in this tower and I will discipline them how I see fit. Now stand back or you will be next!"

"The Grand Cleric will hear about this!"

"She already has and gave me her _blessing_." Greagoir said with great satisfaction.

"There was a long pause and then I heard the crack of the whip a split second before I felt the bite of the lash on my back... it seared into my flesh… the pain… it was excruciating, but before I really had time to recover I heard the crack again…this time it felt like a bolt of lightning had struck my back; I felt warm liquid begin to ooze down my skin…"

Anders paused and Tisha squeezed his hand, "Anders, you don't have to continue if you don't want to."

Anders shook his head, "No, I need to get this out… I've never talked about it before. It's time… I don't know how long I was tied to the tree, I don't know how many times the whip cut into my back before I lost consciousness. The last thing I remember was the voice of a woman cry out, 'Please NO more, you're killing him!' The next thing I remember was being dragged to the pit, thrown into a tiny hole and left for dead… I drifted in and out of consciousness as the agony rolled over me in non-stop waves. Sometime later, I felt the warmth of a healing spell on my back and the pain began to subside. I wasn't sure who was healing me, but I remember trying to thank them as the darkness overtook me again."

Tisha gently reached up and caressed his back. "H-how… how could they mar someone as beautiful and kind as you? It truly is a crime." He looked at her and saw the tears racing down her cheeks. He reached up and tenderly wiped them away. He smiled warmly and slid his arm around her.

She leaned over and kissed his shoulder. "How long were you in the pit?"

"Six months," Anders replied unemotionally as he reined in his anger.

"What? That's crazy… and cruel!"

"I would have gone crazy if it wasn't for the kindness of a fellow mage and friend. An elf by the name of Tyvain Surana, he was the one that had healed me that first night and from that point on he would sneak into the pit and bring me food to eat and keep me company for as long as he could. He saved my sanity and my life," Anders said.

"Were you and he… hmm, together?" Tisha asked hesitantly.

Anders smiled slightly, "No, it wasn't like that with Ty. We were just friends."

"I'm glad he was there for you," she said as she gently pushed him down on his bedroll. "You have had a rough day. You need to get some rest."

Anders grasped her hand and pleadingly looked into her eyes, "I d-don't want…"

She stopped him from going on as she gently brought her fingers to lips, "Shhh, I'm not going anywhere, Anders. I'll be right here for you." She curled behind him on her side and draped her arm over him.

Her words brought him comfort and having her hold him brought a peace and serenity that he had never know before. As he drifted off to sleep he realized how deeply he had fallen in love with her.

From that night on Tisha had always arranged her bedroll next to his; having her so close brought him the tranquility he needed to keep his mental demons at bay and calm his nerves. He soon discovered that he was able to help her remain calm too. She had struggled against panicking when Bartrand had entombed them in the primeval thaig. She was able to mask her fear, but at night when he held her, he felt how unnerved she was as she trembled against him, and he was glad that he was able to be there to comfort her.

Tonight he jerked awake from a nightmare. He sat up and looked around the camp; everyone was sound asleep, he glanced down at Tisha beside him and… and Sweet Andraste, bride of the Maker…she had thrown her blankets off in her sleep and was lying on her side, her back to him, her panties had become twisted in her sleep and were riding up her backside exposing the most luscious bottom he had ever seen. Anders felt his breath hitch in his throat as all of his blood rushed to his groin. She moaned slightly in her sleep and pressed her hips against his, now very hard, member. Oh… oh Maker… this wasn't good and just as he was about to move away she moaned softly, "A-anders."

He couldn't help but smile. She was dreaming of him. He hoped it was a good dream. She moaned again, "Mmm…. Anders," and his eyes widened as she unconsciously slipped her hand between her legs. Well, it certainly was a very good dream and he was now as painfully hard as the stone they were sleeping on. Her breath began to quicken as her hips pressed into her hand and a groan escaped her lips. Watching her in the throes of a sexual dream, and knowing it was him she was dreaming about, was the most erotic thing he had ever witnessed; he was rapidly losing control.

He leaned away from her, ran his hand through his hair as he tried to compose himself, but she twisted the upper part of her torso his direction as if looking for his warmth and pressed her nearly exposed bottom harder against his hips. The feeling of her velvety skin against his groin sent desire coursing through him. Maker, he wanted to be a gentleman, but… fuck she was making it difficult. He rested his hand on the flat of her stomach and gazed at her breasts. The dark outlines of her nipples were visible through the thin material of the nightshirt and the hard peaks pressed alluringly through the thin fabric. He wanted desperately to capture the taut nubs with his lips and suck on it through the material. Involuntarily his hand began to drift toward those irresistible swells. Unconsciously… or maybe not, her hand slid between them and captured his throbbing groin. He shuddered at her touch and a guttural groan tore from his throat. Then his body went completely stiff as his blood began to tingle… darkspawn. He groaned out of frustration. Maker, help him he was going to die of blue balls soon if he didn't get some kind of release.

He leapt to his feet, threw on his robe to cover his erection and yelled, "Darkspawn."

Tisha, Carver and Varric were quickly on their feet grabbing for their weapons. No one had time to put on their armor before at least eight hurlocks and genlocks stormed into their camp. Tisha rushed forward, staff at the ready and fired every force spell she could muster. The genlock rogues almost caught her off guard as they appeared behind her, she turned around quickly and froze them on the spot then used her staff in one quick movement to hit and shatter them. She turned her attention back to the main group and started firing spells at them once more. Fireballs and cone of cold spells made it easy for the others to finish off the darkspawn in a matter of minutes. Carver had managed to dispatch three of the monsters while Anders and Varric took care of the rest of them.

Tisha spun to face them with a grin on her face, "Well if you can't get laid, killing darkspawn is the next…."

Anders felt it before the ground began to shake, "Tisha run!" But before she could move an ogre charged into the camp, grabbed Tisha and began to shake her. The brutal stories of Bethany's death flashed through his mind and he began to fire every powerful element and primal spell he had in his arsenal.

Carver must have had the same thought. As he leaped in the air, the ogre slammed Tisha to the ground. Carver drove his sword through the ogre's eye as the beast toppled over; he jumped off of him and began to wipe the darkspawn blood off of himself.

Anders rushed over to Tisha's crumpled form; he rolled her over and groaned at the extent of her injuries. She had cuts and scrapes on her face, it looked like her collar bone was dislocated, but he sensed internal bleeding in her abdomen where the monster had squeezed her. "Varric, go through my bag and Tisha's. I think I'm going to need every bottle of lyrium we have."

Anders began casting healing spell after healing spell and just when he thought he had stopped the bleeding, he would feel the blood begin to flow again.

"_Please, please don't take her from me. I need her, please don't let her die."_

"_Anders, get a hold of yourself. If you don't concentrate we're going to lose her," Justice ordered._

Anders concentrated even harder, focusing the magic on the torn internal tissue. The magic flowed to the injured area and began to mend the damaged tissues; he pushed the magic deeper, stopping the flow of blood then continued to repair the damage. Varric handed him a lyrium vial, he took it, drank it without really thinking about it and then continued to heal her injuries.

It took nearly an hour for Anders to completely heal her and during that time Carver had worn a path into the dirt from all of his pacing. When Tisha's eyes finally fluttered open, Carver breathed out a heavy sigh of relief and fell to his knees beside her, "Thank the Maker, I thought for sure he was going to let you die."

Tisha grinned and squeezed Anders' hand, "Oh come on, Carver, Anders would never let me die. You need to have more faith in him than that."

Anders looked up at Carver and saw the cuts along his forearm and the darkspawn blood on his armor. "Carver, let me heal those wounds before that darkspawn blood gets into your veins."

Carver looked at the cuts and nodded. Anders drank some more lyrium and then began to weave the tissues back together as he looked critically at the warrior. He looked tired, but he didn't notice any signs of blight sickness. He would have to keep an eye on him.

After he finished healing Carver, he scooped Tisha up into his arms and carried her over to her bedroll. He brushed the hair out of her face, Maker he didn't know what he would do if he lost her. "You're going to give me a heart attack one of these days. Please be more careful."

She smiled at him, "I'll do my best, but danger is my middle name."

He grinned back at her, "Yes I know and so is tease. What was that comment about if you can't get laid, killing darkspawn is the next best thing? Where you awake the entire time?"

She grinned impishly at him, "Not the _entire _time."

Anders cocked an eyebrow, "When did you wake up?"

"Just before I rolled against you," she purred as she looked up at him through her long thick lashes. Maker she was so beautiful and as he thought about her hand stroking him, a shiver of desire passed through him.

"You definitely like to push the limits of what a man can endure."

"Am I tempting you, Anders? Are you close to breaking?" She grinned mischievously at him.

"One more push and I would have broken. I guess we can either thank or curse the darkspawn for interrupting, which would you pick?"

"Oh I would go with curse. I'm so frustrated I'm about to burst," Tisha sighed.

"_I'll thank the Maker for all three of us," Justice interjected._

"_Oh shut up! Who asked you," Anders retorted._

_"You are treading on dangerous ground here, Anders," Justice warned. _

_"No, I'm in the deep roads, stuck with a spirit in my head who won't give me a moment's peace to flirt with a pretty girl"_

"So I guess I'm not the only one close to breaking," Anders stated.

"I'm a dam that is about rupture. Killing darkspawn is the only thing that has taken the edge off," Tisha groaned.

"So I shall either have to tempt you further or find you some more darkspawn to kill," Anders stated.

_"Find her some damn darkspawn!" Justice exclaimed._

"You've been tempting me since I first met you, so get your delicious ass over here and kiss me, or go find me some monsters to kill," Tisha stated.

"It's the Deep Roads, give it a moment there will darkspawn coming by soon."

Frustrated, she let out a long sigh as she rested her hand on his thigh; a sad smile crossed her lips, "That's what I thought. Who's the tease now, Anders? I honestly don't know how much longer I can take this. You're always in my waking thoughts, you're now haunting my dreams, we both want each other, but aren't allowed to taste the forbidden fruit. This…" She said as she gestured between the two of them, "…it isn't healthy and it isn't fair to either one of us. After we leave the Deep Roads, it might be best if we went our separate ways."

Anders felt his heart break as the air was sucked out his lungs. "Why does it have to come down to that? Can't we find some way to just be friends?" Anders asked.

_"She's right, Anders. You can't go on like this," Justice said._

Tears slid down her face, "We can never be friends, Anders. What we feel for each is too strong, the pull too intense, the desire too burning. It hurts too much when every moment I'm with you, all I yearn to do is touch you, kiss you and be with you in every way a woman can be with a man. If that can never happen between us then before we inflict more pain on each other we need to walk away."

"It breaks my heart to lose you; you mean the world to me. I don't know if I can go on w-without you," Anders said as voice broke.

"Anders, it breaks my heart to walk away from..."

He grabbed her by the shoulders and looked pleadingly into her eyes, "Then don't!"

"Then stop fighting against your feelings and stay with me!"

"I want to; Maker knows I want to, but Justice..."

"DON'T bring Justice into this. You aren't possessed, Anders. You still have free will. You still make your own choices. I'm asking... no I'm begging you to choose me!"

Anders ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "I can't. Justice is part of me, and he will always be part of me, that's what stands between us being more than just friends," Anders beseeching her to understand.

Tears were now freely flowing down her cheeks as reached back and slapped him hard across the face. "Get! Away! From! Me!"

The impact of her words hit him harder than the blow from her hand. He grabbed her and pulled her to him, crushing her against his chest. He kissed her forehead, her temple, the salt tears on her cheek, "I choose you! I can't live without you! I choose you!"

As his own tears raced down his face, he kissed his way to her lips and sighed against them, "Please don't leave me, Tish. I need you; you make everything right in my crazy, fucked up world. I need you like I need air to breathe. I need you to survive. Please don't go."

"I'm not going anywhere if you are with me, I love you Anders, always have and always will," Tisha said just as Anders lips crashed against hers, his hands pulled her closer as his fingers tangled in her hair, his tongue slid hungrily over hers as they danced together and his body flushed with heat and longing. Her lips were so soft and smooth, she tasted divine, so sweet, so delicate, yet her mouth was strong and hard. He deepened the kiss and he felt her eager response. He couldn't get enough of her, she was intoxicating and he wanted to drown in her. His hand slid to the nape of her neck as he held her against him, unwilling to let her go, never wanting to let her go.

Her arms wrapped around his neck, she clung to him as he continued to ravish her lips, he drank selfishly from her, taking in all that she had to give, and then taking even more. He was losing himself in her scent, her touch, her taste that he forgot about the outside world. Only she and this moment existed for him.

A loud cough came from across the camp. "It's about bloody time," Varric yelled.

Reluctantly, Anders pulled away from Tisha.

"Aaah, my eyes, the pain… I think that image will be forever burned into my brain. Now you have successfully scared your brother, could the two of you shut the hell up so the rest of us can get some sleep!" Carver grumbled.

"I have a feeling our sleep won't be very peaceful with all the moaning that will probably take place from there," Varric stated.

"You won't hear any moaning if I knock you over the head with my staff," Tisha yelled back.

"Knock me out too while you're at it. I will definitely need it," Carver said as he shuddered.

"That was no worse than me witnessing you making out with Betty Turndale. At least Anders and I still had our clothes on," Tisha retorted.

That seemed to shut her brother up so Anders pulled her down onto their bedrolls, and drew her against his chest. He kissed the back of her neck as he whispered, "I can't wait to get the hell out of here so that I can be alone with you."

"Definitely gives us something new to fight for," she moaned quietly as he continued to feather kisses on her neck and shoulders. He fell asleep holding her against his chest, he never felt so at peace, even with Justice's irate tirade continuing in his head.

Anders couldn't believe their luck after they had defeated the Rock Wraith, that they had found the key to get out of that Maker forsaken thaig. They were about a day away from exiting the Deep Roads when Carver came down with Blight sickness. He had sensed other Wardens the closer they got to the surface and had deliberately guided their group down tunnels that would avoid them, but with Carver's life on the line he was forced to seek them out. Carver had been none to grateful to his sister for giving him a choice other than a painful death and he wanted to smack the ungrateful bastard upside the head, but for Tisha's sake, he restrained himself.

Once they were out, they were only a few short weeks away from being back in Kirkwall, just a few weeks away from finally giving in to his love and desire for Tisha. Even though Anders had mentally made up his mind to be with her, even though he slept every night with her in his arms, Justice had remained unusually quiet. He could still feel the spirit's presence, knew he was there, but it was as if Justice was pouting over losing. Or maybe it was just the quiet before the storm. Anders had a feeling it was the latter, he knew Justice wouldn't cave on this without a fight but for now, Anders prepared himself for the battle and took great pleasure in the silent solitude in his head.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN- _Thank you to everyone that has added this story to their alert and favs lists. We are so glad that you like our story. Also a big shout out to those that took the time to drop a line in our box and share your thoughts with us._  
><strong>_

_** *A very special and wholehearted thanks go out to our awesomelicious betas for not only making us look good but also editing this chapter for us in such short notice. Huge hugs to both Kira Tamarion and RandomWittering. You rock spectacularly!**_


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Even when you're gone, somehow you come along just like

A flower pokin' through the sidewalk crack

And just like that, you steal away the rain, and just like that

You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed, Sing like bird, dizzy in my head,

Spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe

Shine like gold, buzz like a bee

Just the thought of you can drive me wild, oh, you make me smile

Don't know how I lived without you, 'Cause every time that I get around you

I see the best of me inside your eyes, you make me smile

_Smile by Uncle Kracker_

Anders made his way to Tisha's house. They had finally made it out of the blasted deep roads, and Anders was relieved to have fresh air again. He had spent nights holding Tisha close while she slept, he couldn't wait to get to her once more. They were finally going to be together, nothing could stand in their way now. Anders walked through the streets of Darktown thinking of all the things he would say to her once he saw her, what she would look like, smell like, feel like, and how she would move under him. He had thought about nothing else but her for the longest time, he couldn't believe that he was finally going to be with her. They have been circling around their feelings for so long, he knew he couldn't hide what he felt for her or his need for her anymore. They had finally given into their feelings for one another, and he wasn't about to back down now. Not for anything or anyone. She was his salvation, his strength, and his life. Tisha was all that mattered in the world.

Justice had remained quiet, not talking or voicing any opinion, and that made Anders worry. He knew that Justice didn't approve of their relationship, but Tisha was important, and Justice would just have to learn to deal with it.

As he rounded a corner, a group of thugs ambushed him and pummeled him to the ground.

"This looks like the fellow we are looking for, isn't it Lloyd?" the gang leader asked.

"Yeah, that's the one the templars were looking for. We will get some real good coins selling him off," a tall man said as he stepped forward and stretched out his arms. Anders felt the veil shift, and the full weight of a spell slammed into him, draining his mana.

Coughing and struggling to breathe, Anders whimpered, "Templar."

"That's ex-templar to you," the tall man said.

"S-selling me off? What the hell are you on about?" Anders asked as he tried to struggle to his feet, but his legs were still to weak to hold him.

"We have it on good authority that you have been a menace to the templars for too long, so one of them hired us to track you down and do what we want with you. They don't want you back at the Circle, because they know you will just escape again. So they hired us to make sure you disappear, permanently."

Anders struggled to break free from the numerous thugs that were holding him down. He looked at each of them to see if he recognized any of their faces, but they were all hooded and cloaked. Before he could make an attempt to get away from them, one of the thugs struck him at the back of the head with the hilt of a dagger, knocking Anders unconscious.

He woke up to the sound of a boat creaking and the smell of the ocean overwhelming his senses. How long had he been unconscious and why was he on a ship? He tried to reach out to Justice, although he could feel his presence, the spirit remained silent. Anders opened his eyes more forcefully as he started to adjust to the darkness around him. He struggled in an effort to get up but his head was pounding so badly that he had to lay down once more. He heard some shuffling noise nearby and ignored the pain as he shot up to see who or what made that sound.

"Hello, whoever you are. Come out so I can see you." Anders growled.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Are you a captured mage too?" an old man replied.

"Yes, it seems that way now, doesn't it? Who are you and what are we doing here?" he asked.

"I don't know exactly. I can't get a straight answer out of any of the guards, or pirates, whatever they are," the man said. "My name is Gregory, what's yours, young man?"

"You may call me Anders, if you must. What do these people want with us, aside from the fact that we're mages?" Anders asked.

"Well, as far as I can tell, one of the high ranking templars has been rounding up the most skilled and most notorious apostates that he could find and selling them off into slavery. That's the rumor that's going around in Kirkwall at least."

"Oh, they can't control us, and they don't want to send us back to the Circle, so they just sell us into slavery. That's just marvelous," Anders said sarcastically.

"Good to see that you still have a sense of humor. Hold onto it, boy, you will need it in future."

Gregory moved closer to Anders and sat down beside him. "I remember you from the Circle in Ferelden. You were very good at escaping, just not good at staying free.

"I have never seen you before in my life, how do you know I was at the Circle?"

"Oh, I have been in and out of there a few times too. The last time, I managed to hide right under their noses for a few months," Gregory said with a chuckle.

"Really? I'm sure that is an interesting story,"

"It is, and I'll tell you all about it once we're free. The question right now is: how about we try and escape from this hellhole?"

"That seems easier said than done, considering we are in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight," Anders said as he looked out the little window of the cell.

"If we could sabotage the ship somehow. That might get us free," Gregory mused.

"Oh, that would help, we sink our only form of transportation let's sink our only form of transportation. That's not the smartest move in my book. Plus, someone managed to drain my mana when I was attacked, and I can still feel it being drained. But I do need to get back to Kirkwall as soon as possible,"

"We need to do something. We can't just sit here waiting to see what fate will bring us."

"How do I know I can trust you? I don't know you from the Maker," Anders said.

"I don't think you have a lot of options at this time, my boy."

Anders spent the next few hours getting to know the old man while they tried to plan for possible ways to escape. He still didn't trust Gregory, as far as he could kick him, but he would do anything to get back to Tisha. They heard the distinct sound of men running around and shouting on the deck, and wondered what was going on. There were no guards coming in to check on them, but from the sound if it, fights had started somewhere above them.

There was a sudden thundering roar as a cannon ball slammed into the side of the boat, the hull immediately exploded around them. Sunlight and water began to pour through the massive hole. Both Anders and Gregory scramble to the gap and looked out. The boat they were on was surrounded by three larger and better equipped ships. Soon came another deafening roar, and seconds later their boat was once again rocked by another large shrapnel.

Maker's hairy balls! This ship was going down, and by judging the amount of damage it was had sustained it wouldn't stay afloat for much longer. Anders looked at all the debris that was floating in the water. There were several large planks that could support the weight of a man. Anders spun to face the old man.

"Greg..." The name died on his lips as Anders stared at the old man's body. The explosion had splintered a large beam, half of the it now impaled gruesomely into Gregory's torso.

Anders turned back to the hole, took a deep breath, and jumped into the water. He began to swim toward a large piece of timber floating nearby. Anders dragged himself up on the board, gasping for breath. He grabbed another piece of drift wood that floated by and began to paddle way from the battle that was still waging. From afar, Anders could make out what looked like the silhouette of an island, and began to make his way towards that direction. As he made his way through the debris, he came across a crate that had supplies stamped on the side. Using his paddle to pull the wooden box over to him, he hoisted it up on his make shift raft. He didn't have time to check the content inside, whatever it was, he hoped would be useful.

Anders rowed as quickly as possible, and prayed that with all the mayhem, his escape would go undetected. From a distance, Anders watched his kidnapper's ship sink. Their attackers hadn't noticed the plank of wood that carried the mage in opposite direction of the wreckage.

Anders paddled for what seemed like hours, but the gap between the island and himself never seemed to be closing. His arms were aching, the sun was blistering, and his mouth was so dry he would kiss the arse of an Archdemon for a sip of fresh water. Giving up on paddling, he laid back on the plank and covered his face with his arm and drifted off to sleep as exhaustion overtook him.

Anders woke up with sand in his mouth and water crashing down around him. He had made it onto the island with the supplies he had gathered still intact. Maker was he grateful for that. Beside him, among the debris washed off to the shore, he saw a few more similar boxes lying on the sand. He still had no clue what was in the crates, but he was sure that they would be of help in some way at least. He tried to move but his entire body ached. He was both physically and mentally drained. It felt like he had been dragged through hell and back. But even through the pain, he was happy to be alive. There was only one thought that kept him going, and that was Tisha. He had to survive, and he had to make his way back to her. If only he could figure out where he was first.

He got up slowly and looked around. He saw the entire island filled with coconut trees and a range of mountains in the middle of it, surrounded by a white sandy shoreline. Anders wondered if there might be a settlement of people living on the island. It was something to hope for at least. If there were settlers, they might be able to help him get back to Kirkwall. He made his way to the shade of the trees, carrying the crates with him, one slow step at a time. He tried to call for help but his throat was raspy and parched. Water... He needed fresh water and he would need it very soon if he had any hope of surviving.

He collapsed against a tree and sagged to the ground, then pulled one of the crates to him. He didn't have anything to pry the lid off with, so he concentrated his magic at the lid and cast a mana blast spell to create pressure within the box and blow the lid off. But the spell worked too well as all four sides of the container flew open. He rifled through the contents and discovered that there were two blankets, which would come in very handy, a first aid kit that was useless to him since he could heal himself, but the kit did contain health potions; those would definitely be useful. Towards the bottom there were a sack of dried meats and, Maker be praised, four bottles of rum.

Anders stood up and appraised his current surroundings. He knew he needed to create a shelter, but first he needed water. He wasn't going to find fresh water on the beach. His only hope was to venture further into the island.

The jungle was thick with vines and trees. He used spells to clear a path, but it still took time to cut a trail through the forest. Slowly he made his way toward the center of the island, as he drew closer he heard the sound of rushing water. He picked up his pace until he was in a full sprint through the woods. He stumbled out into a clearing. A large waterfall cascaded down into a clear, refreshing pool below. He had never been happier to see anything in his life. Normally he would spend time marveling at the beautiful and serene sight in front of him, but he was beyond thirsty. Anders dove into the water and drank greedily, as fast as he could.

After drinking his fill of the fresh water, he peeled off his soaking wet coat, trousers and boots, and took a nice leisurely swim. Eventually he pulled himself out of the pool and relaxed on the grass, letting the sun dry his skin. He drifted off to sleep for what must have been a very long time, because the sun had already set when he was awaken with a jerk to the sound of a very loud roar nearby. The roar came again and this time even closer. This pond had to be the night time watering hole, and if he didn't want to be some exotic animal's dinner, he needed to get the hell out of here now. He searched around and found a large branch on the ground. He quickly put on his clothes before he lit up the branch with a fire spell, and made his way down the path towards the beach. Along the way, he gathered more branches and twigs to start a fire once he made it back.

He had just finished building an incredible warm fire when he heard the first clap of thunder. "Andraste's ass on a cracker, could I catch a fucking break here?" Anders yelled out to the open sky.

As if to answer his question, the sky opened up and the heaviest rain he had ever seen began to beat down on him and quenched out the fire.

"FUCK!" Anders roared as he gathered his things and ducked into the edge of the forest. He huddled at the base of tree, shivering. He cast warming spell after warming spell, but when his mana finally was drained, there was nothing he could do except shivering helplessly. With the way his luck was going, the tree he was leaning on might just be set on fire by the Maker with a lightning bolt just to piss him off.

Hours later the rain eventually stopped, and all the creatures of the jungle came alive with howls, roars, chirping and mating calls. Enough of his mana had returned for him to cast a repulsion graft. Anders curled into ball as he tried to warm himself and drifted off to sleep, vowing that the first thing he would do in the morning was create some kind of shelter.

When he awoke the following morning, he singed a scorch mark into the tree to mark the beginning of his second day on the island. He looked down at the beach and noticed that the sand was littered with more debris from the wreckage. He got to his feet and went down to explore the items that had wasted ashore.

The first thing he noticed was a large main mass of the ship that still had the canvas sail attached to it. Well thank the Maker for the small favor. That would make an excellent shelter. He gathered the sail and ropes, and pulled them up to where his other items were. Then he went back down to examine the remnant of the ship. He was able to salvage several large beams that he could use to support the sail, several articles of clothing, more blankets, and another pouch of dried meat.

After he brought everything of use back to the clearing he had occupied, he began to work on the shelter. With the help of magic, it only took him half a day to construct a lodging large enough to house him and keep his possessions dry. Thank the Maker he was a mage.

Anders spent the next month exploring the island in search of food. He found them in the form of berries, coconuts, and other fruits that were still quite foreign to him. There was a cave that was uncomfortable and damp, but it kept him out of the raging storms that blew over the island every once in a while. Justice was still not talking to him, even though had attempted to make contact. After almost eight weeks of absolute silence, Anders had had more than enough.

_"Justice, this isn't funny anymore. You are acting like a child by ignoring me like this."_

_"I'm not the one who acted like a child, Anders. You were the one who decided that Tisha was more important to you than the mages and their plight, and more important than me."_

_"So you're jealous? That's the reason why I've been getting the silent treatment? Did you learn this little trick from Krisoff's wife? 'Cause I got news for you buddy, the silent treat doesn't work on me."_

_"What? NO! No, it's because you place others in more danger just for a few moments of happiness, and because of that hunger of yours, you've managed to get us to this island with no hope of ever getting back to Kirkwall, or any civilization for that matter."_

_"So it's all my fault that we ended up here? How was I supposed to stop this from happening?"_

_"If you hadn't given into your feelings, you wouldn't have been captured and you wouldn't have been stuck here. "_

_"Have you gone insane? It had nothing to do with me giving into my feelings for Tisha. Those slavers were paid to seek me out and they would have taken me whenever the opportunity had risen." _

_"And you granted them the opportunity by taking a stroll through Darktown at night, that wouldn't have happened if you weren't on your way to Tisha's home."_

_"You're right, I made it easier for them, but it would have only been a matter of time before they would have just broken into the clinic and taken me there. You know what, I liked it when you weren't speaking to me. Let's go back to the previous arrangement." _

_"No, you goaded me to start talking, so now I shall continue to do so."_

_"There is nothing that you have to say, that I want to hear."_

_"Hate me as much as you want, Anders, but we need to come to an arrangement sometime. And we need to find a way off this island."_

_"As long as we are stuck on this island, discussing Tisha and my feelings for her is pointless. So how about until we are far away from here, we agree that she is off limits."_

_"Does that mean that you aren't going to think about her, that you aren't going to fantasize about her?"_

_"No, that isn't what that means, because if you ever want to make it off of this fucking island, it will be the thoughts of her and the thoughts of seeing her again that will keep me going, and push me to find a way back home to her."_

_"Fine, I shall hold my peace about her until we get back to Kirkwall. If we ever manage to get back."_

Anders was so caught up in his argument with Justice that he didn't pay attention to where he was going. He tripped over a large chest that seemed to be buried very poorly under one of the coconut trees. He got up and dusted himself off before investigating the large bulky chest further. A tricky lock sealed the chest from being opened. But with enough time and magic, Anders could blast it open with his spell.

He opened the large chest and caught sight of a numerous amount of treasure: bottles of rum and maps of Thedas inside it. Anders chuckled as he realized he was now the richest man on the island, and the irony of him being the only man on the island didn't escape him either. He could only hope that they belonged to someone who was still counted among the living and that they would return to claim it. But what would they do to him if they found him with their treasure? All the gold pieces weighted too much for him to carry. Using both magic and muscles, he dragged the whole chest back to his shelter.

When he finally made it back with the chest, he decided that a little victory celebration was in order. One bottle of rum wouldn't be missed, would it? He had no clue how long he would still be stuck there, so he would make the best of a bad situation.

_"Anders, do you really think its a good idea to drink?"_

_"Who died and made you the Reverend Mother?"_

_"You are just gonna make things worse if you start drinking. You need to spend more time coming up with a plan to get out of here. Not to get drunk and have a one man-one spirit party. Do you even realized that by drinking, I will get affected by it too?"_

_"So miracles still happen. Good to know," Anders said as he tilted the rum bottle back and took a big swig. It burned as it blazed a trail to his stomach, warming it instantly. _

_"Oh, for the love of the Maker. What will it take for you to listen to me just once?"_

_"I listen to you all the time, Justice, and ninety-nine percent of the time I agree with you, but I doubt we will ever see eye to eye when it comes to Tisha, and I don't see the harm of drinking some rum to ease my mind a little and relax." Anders took another large gulp from the bottle. _

_"That's the problem. The drunker you get, the more you think and talk about her, and I am not in the mood to get into an argument with you tonight."_

_"I'll make a deal with you, Justice... You don't give me a hard time about drinking and I won't mention her name once." Anders took a big bite of dried meat. When he had finished, the salt made him thirst so he guzzled some more rum. This was good stuff. His body was starting to feel warm all over, and he felt the tension being to loosen._

_"You might not mention her name, but that doesn't mean your thoughts won't be flooded with her image. I can see those, remember?" _

_"You have my word. I will do my best not to think of her. I can control my thoughts about her. I just choose not too. Loosen up a little, Justice, and relax. It's night time, I'm not going to have brilliant idea for getting off this island and make it happen tonight." _

Anders leaned back against the tree and took another swig of the rum. He than looked at the label on the bottle. Huh, he had never heard of this rum maker before. _Wilson's Dark Rum_ the label read. He took another gulp and decided that Wilson made some damn fine rum. As the moon rose high in the sky, one bottle of Wilson's turned into two bottles of Wilson's.

The rum was now completely running through his veins, and for the first time in a very long time Anders felt giddy. He began to sing a song that Isabela always sang.

_"Yo, ho all hands, hoist the colors high_  
><em>Heave ho, thieves and beggars, never shall we die<em>  
><em>Yo Ho, haul together, hoist the colors high,<em>  
><em>Heave Ho, Thieves and Beggars, never Shall We Die!"<em>

Anders stood up, stumbled a little, and grabbed the tree for support. Once he had steadied himself, he began to sing the next verse and dance around the beach.

_"Some men have died, and some are alive,_  
><em>And others sail on the sea, with the keys to the cage...<em>  
><em>And the Devil to pay, we lay to Fiddler's Green!" <em>

As he started on the chorus unable to resist the merriment any longer Justice joined in.

_"Yo, ho all hands, hoist the colors high_  
><em>Heave ho, thieves and beggars, never shall we die<em>  
><em>Yo Ho, haul together, hoist the colors high,<em>  
><em>Heave Ho, Thieves and Beggars, never Shall We Die!"<em>

Anders fell onto the sand, laughing. Maker, he never thought he'd say this, but he really missed the pirate wench. There was never a dull moment with her around.

_"Justice, there is something I've always wondered?"_

_"W-what's that," the spirit slurred._

_"Did you have a crush on Kristoff's wife?"_

_"What makes you say that?"_

_"I saw the way you looked at her. It wasn't how a spirit should look at another man's wife."_

_"The echos of Kristoff's feelings for her remained even after I took possession of him. He loved her deeply and those strong emotions absorbed through to me. So yes, in a way I did have feelings and desires for her."_

_"So does that mean that you have feelings and desires for her... the mage that shall not be named, too?"_

_"You couldn't resist bringing her up, could you? But to answer your question, yes. I do have certain feelings for her too."_

_"Do you desire her?"_

_"Yes, Anders. There have been times that I desired her, and still do." Justice sighed._

_"Are you in love with her?"_

_"I tried to fight it just like you did, but in the end, I fell in love with everything about her. So that would be another yes to your question,"_

_"Then when we see her again, let me ease the ache that we both feel. Let me grant us both peace."_

_"I would still advise against it, and for the record, I want to state that you are obsessed, but I will not stand in your way any longer. You have my word."_

For the first time in a long time, Anders had something that gave him hope. He and Justice finally came to a compromise about his future with Tisha. All he needed to do was find a way back to her. He stumbled over to the chest once more to see if he hadn't missed anything else that he could eat. Digging through the chest to no avail, he couldn't find anything other than gold, various gem stones and rolled up maps inside. He caught sight of something shiny on the lid of the chest and rubbed his eyes, trying to regain some focus. It was a silver tag with a name inscribed on it. Anders dusted the sand particles and dirt that was stuck to the plate until he could make out the name on it. Andraste's wrinkled arse, this chest belonged to none other than the pirate wench they all loved and adored. This just kept getting better and better. He wondered how long the chest had been there or how long it might take Isabela to come back to claim it since she didn't have a bloody ship. Even with that cloud looming over his head, Anders had found more hope of finally getting back home.

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months, as Anders marked every passing day on the tree next to his shelter. With each day passing by, he lost a little hope, until he realized he was going to spend the rest of his life on this Maker forsaken island. He would never see Tisha again. Never see her brilliant smile or hear her jubilant laughter. He would never hold her again and feel her warm, soft body pressed against his, nor taste her sweet honey lips. Realizing this tore his heart in two and broke him. So he spent his days gathering food and talking to Justice, and his nights had been filled with rum induced banter, until the rum went dry. However, he was still attached to the bottle though. It was his anchor, his little ray of sunshine and his new best friend.

_"You're crazy for dragging that bottle with you everywhere you go. Have you completely lost your mind as the last of the rum passed through your system?"_

_"Don't be nasty to Wilson. He's our friend and he understand me better than you do. So shut up before I enter the Fade to smack you for being an arse," Anders countered._

_"Understands you? It's a glass bottle, not the second coming of the Maker himself, Anders! And I'd like to see you try. Just don't tell your glassy friend that the chip on his lip makes him look ugly." _

_Anders face looked completely horrified. "How dare you? You take that back this instant and apologize!"_

_"I am not apologizing to a glass bottle! I might just give off the impression that I am as crazy as you are."_

_"See this is what I'm talking about...this why only Wilson understands me!"_

_"It would break Tisha's heart to see you like this."_

_"DON'T! Don't bring her into this!"_

_"Why shouldn't I? She was your reason for living, and now it seems that you have replaced her memory with an empty rum bottle." _

_"Don't, Justice... I can't think about her anymore... it hurts to much... k-knowing I may never see her again... I -I..."_

_"You've given up! You need to snap the hell out of it, Anders. She still needs you... I've seen her in the Fade. She is lost without you."_

_"WHAT? You've seen her! Did you talk with her?"_

_"No, I just observed her. She is lost and heartbroken. You need to get us off this bloody island and back to her."_

_"Why didn't you tell her I am alive?"_

_"Because as a spirit of the Fade I cannot influence the outcome of this world by manipulating things in there."_

_"When last did you see her in the Fade?"_

_"I see her constantly. She's given up on life, although she still doesn't show it to anyone. It has always only been you, she showed her vulnerable side to."_

_"I have to see her, even if it's just for a moment. Please guide me to her when we pass into the Fade again," Anders pleaded._

_"You will be able to see her without me leading you. But you need to cling to your love for her in order to see her. Wilson isn't going to show you the way so put the damn bottle down!" _

Anders laid the bottle down beside his bed on the sand, he stretched out on the blankets and practically willed himself to sleep. He passed through the Veil, into the Fade, and immediately stared looking for her. Why hadn't he thought of this earlier? Why did Justice wait so long to tell him? He had to find her and let her know that he was still alive, and most of all, that he loved her endlessly. After what seemed like hours, Anders was still no closer to finding Tisha. He searched through every part of the Fade that he thought possible, but the only one he caught a glimpse of was Fenris, and he certainly wasn't in the mood for the broody elf's snarky remarks. As if his prayers had been answered by the Maker himself, Anders saw Merrill and darted towards her as quickly as his legs could carry him.

"Merrill! Merrill, wait! Thank the Maker I found you," Anders said as he quickly pulled the elven mage into a huge bear hug.

"Oh my, Anders, I didn't realize you were so strong."

"My arms aren't made of putty you know. Who do you think carried all the sick patients around? Have you seen Tisha anywhere in the Fade, I really need to see her."

"This is the first time I've seen you in a very long time. One would think that you would tell me where you've been all this time first, but the first thing you ask me is where you can find Tisha? You're not being a nice friend," Merrill said with a concerned expression.

"You're right, I'm sorry. I promise to explain it all to you in time, but I really need to find Tisha."

"I haven't seen her anywhere so far, but I will go and look around. I will bring her back with me if I find her. Where will you be if I find her?" Merrill asked.

"I will keep on searching for her, but I won't go too far from here, so you'll be able to find me easily once you've located her. Please look everywhere you can, Merill. It's important."

"I'll be back in a little while, hopefully with Tisha," Merrill replied.

Merrill turned around and left to start her search. Anders once again combed through the Fade and tried to find some clues of the Tisha's whereabouts. But when Merrill returned, Anders' face dropped into a disappointed frown.

"I'm sorry, Anders, I couldn't find her anywhere. I looked everywhere I thought she'd be, but she's not anywhere in the Fade. I think she might not be sleeping again. I have noticed that she has been very drained lately, as if she hadn't been taking care of herself."

"Does she think I'm dead?"

"We all thought you were dead. There were rumors that the templars killed you, but Cullen said that no orders had been given for your execution. Then there were rumors that you had been sold into slavery, but Fenris checked every source he knew in the slaving world and there wasn't one word about a mage being sold. Tisha has been beside herself with fear and worry, but as the years pressed on and not a word or rumor about you, she fell into a deep depression."

"If only you knew how close to the truth those rumors were, Merrill. I was captured by thugs who had been paid by a high ranking templar to kill me, but they sold me into slavery instead. Before we could reach our destination, the ship was attacked and I barely escaped with my life. I am now stuck on a deserted island with no hope of ever getting off. Do you see now, why I desperately need to see and talk to Tisha?" Anders asked.

"Creators have mercy, Anders. That's horrible. Yes, I see why two of you need to see each other. I will speak with Tisha tomorrow. Meet me here tomorrow night and I will bring her with me."

Anders hugged Merrill again. "Thank you, thank you so much."

Just as he released her the scene changed as he felt the warm sun beating down on his face and water cascading over his legs and thighs. He shot up out of bed as he realized high tide had come in while he was sleeping on the beach. He grabbed the blankets to keep them from getting wet, then he reached for Wilson... But Wilson wasn't where he had set him. A uncontrollable panic began to set in. He spun around frantically searching for his friend, but couldn't spot him.

A wave crashed against his feet, drawing his attention to the ocean. He saw something floating in the distance, but it was too far for him so swim for it. He recognized the shape of his friend as he bobbed from side to side in the water.

"WILSON!" he yelled as he ran into the crashing waves, trying to save his one true friend and his last shred of hope and security.

The waves pulled him under, but Anders was not giving up on his friend without a fight.  
>"I'm coming Wilson!" he tried with all the strength he could gather. "Wilson...I'm coming,Wilson, just hold on!"<p>

_"Anders! For the Maker's sake, you're going to kill yourself trying to rescue an empty rum bottle."_

_"He can't die, Justice. I need him."_

_"DIE? It's an inanimate object. It was never alive to begin with."_

Anders ignored the spirit, and continued to try and reach Wilson. It felt like he had been swimming forever and not getting any closer. He scanned the water to see how far he still had to swim, but Wilson was too far away. He would not be able to save him.

Anders gave up and slowly swam back to the beach. He went into his shelter, crawled under his blankets and cried himself to sleep at the death of his one true friend.

The following morning, Anders woke up with a fierce determination to honor the memory of his friend that was lost at sea. He spent the entire morning gathering flowers and weaving them into a wreath, as he collected his thoughts on what he wanted to say, thinking of the time he had spent with Wilson in the last two and a half years. He took a bath in the pond and made sure that he looked his best.

After everything had been prepared, Anders took the wreath and made his way to the beach. He walked into the ocean until he was hip-deep in the crashing waves. Unable to control his emotions, he began his tribute to Wilson with a shaky breath.

"I lost more than just a friend yesterday, I lost my will to survive. Wilson was my rock, my strength, and my determination. He believed in me, believed that I would make it home, and that nothing was impossible if I set my mind to it. He was strong and confident, fierce and determined. He never gave up hope, encouraged me to keep fighting to survive, to keep on keeping on."

Anders hung his head and started to weep.

"I failed him. The one time he needed me, I wasn't there for him. I couldn't save him because I wasn't strong enough. I'm sorry, Wilson, I have failed you."

_"Anders," Justice began tentatively. "Wilson was an extension of you. That bottle was a visible reminder for you to keep believing, to keep fighting, and to keep surviving. Anders, you don't need a bottle to remind you that there is hope. I will encourage you, and I will remind you that there is hope, and that you are strong enough to make it through this. That is why I choice you, Anders. Because of your inner strength and your fierce determination. I'm sorry if I haven't been a good friend. I'm sorry if I haven't offered the encouragement that sometimes you needed to hear. I promise to do a better job. I promise to be a better friend... but only if you promise me that you continue to fight."_

Anders was quiet for a very long time as he stared at the vast ocean before him and pondered everything Justice had said. Deep down he knew that Wilson was only an empty rum bottle, but it had been one of the things he still possessed that came from his own world, and it had given him hope that one day he would get back there. There was hope though, he had found Merrill in the Fade, and she had promised to bring Tisha. Even if he could only see her beautiful face in his dreams, it would be enough to live for.

_Finally, Anders replied, "I promise."_

With a renewed sense of self, Anders turned around and made his way back to his shelter. The past two and a half years had taught him a lot, not only about himself, but to appreciate every single moment in life. The fickle bitch known as fate had an unexpected way of throwing one down into a dark hole with no warning. He almost lost hope of ever getting off the island or ever seeing the love of his life again. Now he had a renewed strength and will to live. He had to make it back somehow.

Anders laid down on his bed, praying to the Maker that Merrill had kept her word and that he would see Tisha soon. Justice gently reassured him that all would work out, they would find a way back home. He relaxed a little, curled himself into a ball under his blankets, and drifted off into the Fade.

_Anders made it into the part of the Fade that he had agreed to meet Merrill, but there was still no sight of her anywhere. He started to scan his surroundings, hoping against hope that he would find her soon._

_"Anders?" a familiar voice called out from behind him._

_He turned around. His heart skipped wildly in his chest at the sight of an angel, the love of his life, and the woman of his dreams. _

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><p><em><strong>AN- Thank you to everyone that has added this story to their alert and favs lists. We are so glad that you like our story. Also a big shout out to those that took the time to drop a line in our box and share your thoughts with us.**_

_***Anders' rum filled song is none other than - Hoist the Colors by Hans Zimmer (Pirates of the Caribbean)**_

_***A very special and wholehearted thanks go out to our awesomelicious beta for not only making us look good but also editing this chapter for us in such short notice. Huge hugs to Pinoko K. You rock spectacularly.**_


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